caring enough
on a “dysregulated relationship” with food
About the content: this essay mentions eating disorders, without descriptions of eating behaviours
Hey friends,
I wrote this essay months ago and I’ve been holding off on pressing post ever since.
Body image and food have always been huge issues for me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve gotten into obsessive behaviours around what I believe about my body, especially when I find myself feeling like I have no control in my life. They’ve also been what I’ve clung to in hopes of finding the right combination of shape and thinness to finally fit in. Only that perfect combination keeps shifting, because in a culture of supremacy, nothing will ever be good enough.
Especially when that combination includes anything Black.
But here I am, sharing anyway because when I do that I can start to shift the shame. I can come face to face with the truth and start to see how the stories I’ve told myself have worked to keep those parts of me hidden. The truth is, I’ve never felt better for denying parts of who I am. I’ve never fit in (let alone experienced belonging!), either. But I’ve always felt better immediately for moving through shame.
Today is a small step in bravery for me, so I’ll titrate into the discomfort by sharing this post with a few of you now and maybe I’ll be ready to share with the rest later.
Thank you for being here.
With love and gratitude,
SC xo
Most people don’t know this about me, but I have an eating disorder.