Feelings on Being Late
My feelings about my time management and ADHD are far more intricate for me than I ever let myself realise. It’s only in writing this that I see what makes it difficult isn’t so much being late or not using my time wisely (both of which happen even with medication and coaching), but the feelings I’m avoiding or attempting to deal with also impact how I look at time.
I’m on time most of the time because I’m afraid of the consequences for being late. I’m late because I’m avoiding boredom, overwhelm, uncertainty, social anxiety (beats out arriving late anxiety every time) or fears of making mistakes or being successful. I can be late because I’m enjoying or even just stimulated by what I’m currently doing. Even if I was excited about the thing I’m going to do, I can’t feel that now because I’m stressed about having to stop what I’m doing and bummed out about having to do this new things, so much so that I’ve forgot I enjoy the new thing.
Time is rarely about the other person I’m meeting in a way where it seems like I’m trying to disrespect them or upset them by not arriving on time or doing the thing at the time I said, there is always some emotion I’m trying to deal with that seems bigger than the attempt to be on time. Yes, my time blindness plays a huge roll in this because it makes my estimates wrong and I end up being late thinking I have more time or the project/journey won’t take as long, or too early and bored which is also something I want to avoid.
For now there are many reasons why I’m late. Most of my solutions to that problem aren’t coming from the latest hack I’m using (although sometimes that helps), but in dealing with some of my emotions behind how I manage my time.