Podcast: Changing What I Make Things Mean
Photo by Eliott Reyna on Unsplash
00:00
The response I got from telling you, you know, this issue I'm having with all of the tea choices being asked, and how I was feeling decision fatigue, I made it mean that what I needed wasn't important to you, and how I felt, in my opinion wasn't important to you.
00:28
Hey there, you're listening to the ADHD Good Life podcast. Each week, we explore stories, ideas, or topics around neurodiversity, an intersectional lens, and the personal growth strategies we found most helpful in transforming our lives. I'm your host Sandra. I'm a wife, mother, writer, coach, and educational specialist. I'm also a Black cisgender woman transracial adoptee and fellow neurodiversity after my own ADHD diagnosis. And just like you, I'm learning, I'm learning and feeling so I could step into my uniqueness and create a life that truly allows me to flourish. Thanks for coming along on this journey with me. You ready? Alright, let's get started.
01:09
Hey there, welcome to episode eight. And this one is me talking about what I make things mean. You see, in Episode Two, I talked about just the narrative that's been going on in my head about things that I should and shouldn't do, or ways I should or shouldn't be, or what I can and can't do. And all of those things kind of connect to make this idea that has been placed in my head from society and my family and friends around me of what I need to be like, and trying working very, very hard to dismantle that piece by piece and looking at each voice and each idea I have in my head and going, is that something that I'm saying? Is that something that I need to keep? That's something that I need to like get rid of and change and why am I thinking that does that even matter to me? And so that I can make my own kind of ideal that works for me.
02:07
But a lot of things happen in our lives. And with all of these things that happen, we make them mean something. And sometimes we make them mean something about us. Like, people do things. And we make it mean something. It can be something positive or something negative about us. But it's something that we hold on to inside, creating that kind of narrative, or how we show up for ourselves. So we can expect things from others and when they do or they don't do that thing. We make it mean something to and sometimes they make it mean something about them. But sometimes we do make it mean something about us. Like for example, if my hubby doesn't clean up as much as I'd like him to and in the past I've made that mean something about how he feels about me that he may be disrespecting me, or he's not valuing what I do, or he's applying the effort into our relationship by not doing that. But until I change, like, what I'm making that mean, and that's I having conversations with him and getting to know what's happening and how I'm feeling about it, then my reactions and responses to him are going to connect with the feelings that come up with those things that are making me see, I think we think about it, and whether it feels something for us and then we decide it means something. So we react in a certain way because of that feeling.
03:51
It's difficult for us ADHDers to pause. So that makes things really tricky. So something could happen. And because we struggle with pausing, we have a feeling about it. And they become so intense. So we just react. And because we have this narrative in our head, about that thing that's happened and we've made it means something, and it's probably way deep in our subconscious somewhere. And it doesn't feel good, because it's a trigger, are firstly, because, you know, triggers feel like crap, and we feel things pretty deeply. And we don't want to feel bad things because they're pretty intense. Our first thing is just like react, and get rid of that feeling. Because this sucks. But in our reactions, we forget that the last time we did that same thing, it didn't really work out very well because you know, our memories, or like, we forget that our feelings are big, and they can get overwhelming We can't really be using them as facts because they're not but because they're so big and overwhelming, and take over what our thinking could be. We just react because they are pretty big, you know?
05:17
But it's the feelings that we have. They aren't the facts of what's been happening. We make them mean that they are, when that something happens, we put a meaning behind it. And when we put it behind it about something that means for us as who we are, I think that's a lot of times when those triggers kind of come up as little t triggers come up. And that's when we're reacting because we haven't even thought about what is that? What are we making that mean about ourselves? I think for me, especially like being black, I made up a lot of stuff. He's in my head about people and their responses, and what that meant about me. And I think this was kind of a survival mechanism for me. Because things would happen and people would get angry or reacted towards something I've done or said. And I keep that in my head. But in a way, that was a survival thing. So that would mean that it would be something that I had done wrong, that I needed to change, or do differently, so that I could be safer so that I could avoid that happening again.
06:39
So rather than looking at what the other person's response being like out of order out of line or something, because growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, and, you know, as we grew up with ADHDers, we hear so much criticism, and so much all that we can't do with all that we Shouldn't do and all that we have to try to be like, and we do better at you know, we make all of those things mean something that we've done is wrong about us. Because that's all we've ever known. So when these things happen as we get older, our go to is just kind of coil back and go, "Oh, crap, what did I do? This is I'm wrong. I talk too much. I did this too much is bad that I did that." And we make a lot of these responses that happened to us means something about us.
07:40
And because of that, we respond in that way that's kind of just reactive, and protective. Because dammit, like I don't want to keep hearing all the things I did wrong. I don't want to have to go through people being uncomfortable around me or getting upset with me because I had to do all of that too. And being black this is something that we really kind of even subconsciously learned to being around white people, we subconsciously learn to, like, avoid. And like a good example of this is with microaggressions. It's like we get taught to like not call them out. Because we get told like: 'it's not a big deal, or, oh, maybe we were mistaken, or you can't make a big deal about stuff. It's gonna happen all the time. Or someone saying, oh, that wasn't my intention, and you're reading too much into this'. I think I can imagine like anyone who has any kind of marginalised, you know, their sexual identity would get any of this in their own way and has lots of stories about that.
08:46
But then, you know, after a while, you start thinking, Okay, well, okay, maybe I did read too much into that maybe I overreacted maybe I missed something. Maybe I didn't respond in the way that I was supposed to. And so now I've taken that event and it was a microaggression. And I should have said, you know, you can't talk to me like that, or whatever. But instead I didn't, I learn to take those back, swallow them, and I make them mean something about me. And so, when this happens, I think that we decide that we make this event mean something about us. And we put that blame on us. And that keeps us from actually being able to do something about it. But we still carry it right. And those things happen so often, and then we start to doubt ourselves and what we're thinking and what we're feeling, because now we've made so many of those events mean something about us. And now, on top of all of that, and we're looking to other people to see what we shouldn't shouldn't be doing at this point, too, for some of us.
09:54
But now when we see things like that happening again, or experienced those things happening like it becomes a trigger for us, right? Because now, also, we see other people like being allowed to do the things that we wanted to be able to do. But been told, like, 'No, you can't do that, or we shouldn't respond like that.' But we see other people do that. And we're like, 'Why? Why can't they get to speak up for themselves? So we can't', I know things can become triggering to like, That's what I think. But what I am learning about all of this stuff is that if we don't even get a chance to like, learn how to pause and sit with some of these triggers, and some of the things that we've been taught to think about ourselves and make things mean about ourselves. Like, we'll just never be able to, like start to decide like what's true, and what's not for ourselves. And I think that's what makes it even more difficult because like, we've made these things mean so much about our identities and who we are that these just become so automatic to do, and to think about, like, they're our thoughts like they're our realities. But they don't have to be.
11:13
I think is as ADHD as we just hear so much of what we've been criticised for what we can't do and how bad we are about this and that, and we just learn to not speak up, we learn not to say much about what we're thinking in a way that is about us genuinely. And we watch others do it, though. My goodness, hang out with some NTs for a while. And it's all about them and how they feel and what they think. And I think that is so triggering a lot of ways because we get taught that we're not supposed to be like that, not supposed to do that. We're not supposed to act out in ways that you know, align with us and those sort of ways because like that's not appropriate. So there's a lot of things that happen around us that we create to make things nice about ourselves. Because of the environments that we've grown up in, make an impact. And we respond in a way that regardless if you know what we're thinking or why not is accurate, rather, that meaning is true. Or if our response is actually the one that best suits that situation or not. That meaning that we've made has an impact on how we respond to things.
12:33
So, the other day, I was triggered by something that my hobby said. And like, I'm pretty good at noticing when I get to trigger. I notice it right away because like there's this discomfort in my tummy and it just rises up, tingles up through my belly and tickles my arms, my face, my ears get hot, get something caught in my throat. And then I like tend to like look away. So I don't think Anything, or I just blurt something out, like, definitely defensive. So my hobby had come down in the morning, I had already been up with our son. And he said something about do you want to tea? And I just was like, you know, like, you're always asking me if I want a tea, you know, and I'm just like, Really? It's so tiring. Like, I'm always asking me this everyday cuz I drink about 10 to 12 cups of tea a day. And he makes a lot of them for me. And that's like ten or 12 more decisions that I've got to make because I've got about three or four different teas that I go to on rotation on any different moment. And so I'm trying to explain to him like this decision fatigue about figuring out like, what t I'm gonna have and I'm just really tired. And he snaps back at me, doesn't say too much but just snaps back. And then he goes outside and has his coffee.
13:57
And I automatically trigger comes up I'm upset. And I start wanting to go through like all the things that I should have said never he snapped at me. But then I noticed the feeling of being triggered. And I had to sit back and go, okay. He's just, I've just said something he's respond reacted in a way I've done trigger. What's going on here? What does that mean? For me? This was actually an easier kind of pause to do, by the way, because he left the room so that I could kind of go on this and kind of decide about how I was going to take this on now. I guess I could have went into like a rumination spiral of like, I can't believe he talks to me like this and…. but I actually don't know what at that moment that made me go. Okay, actually, what am I making this mean? But I think it was mindfulness, meditation stuff, too. I think that helps a little bit for me to be able to pause is a bit more I'm going to do an episode on it next about how I'm learning to pause or how I've been learning that.
15:06
But in being able to have that pause for a moment, then I was able to kind of do something about it so I could get to the bottom of it and change this story, or change what I had made his reaction mean, about me. Because when I'm getting upset when I'm getting triggered, like that's something about me that's happening, and that I can only control what's happening inside my own body. I don't know what he's thinking about. I think that's part of the problem, too. We make a story mean something without even knowing, like, what the person is actually thinking themselves. And I think a lot of times we think that being you know, HSP we have a sense of what's happening around us with people. And yeah, we can be fairly accurate and fairly good about it. But we still can't read people's minds, we still don't know exactly where they're thinking or where that idea that they are carrying around or that vibe around came from. Right.
16:13
So when that happened with my hobby, and I, like the first things that I have to do when kind of understanding what I'm making something mean, is definitely understanding that I've been triggered by something. And I have to do that observing emotions sort of thing, where I have to step back from it, and see what's coming up. I got to breathe through it. Triggers suck, like they feel like shit. And I've got to take deep breaths because I'm taking deep breaths on trying to observe what's going on through my body. I'm trying to describe it. And in doing so I can step back and I might not get to the thought right away. But at least I can get to the point of like, okay, I've been triggered by something. And I can at least bring that to the table. When I decided that I needed to talk to my hubby about this. I think it's really crucial for us to get an idea of what our triggers feel like in our body. And what happens before those moments where we react by trying to stay silent. But inside, we're ruminating over something and getting really pissed off. Or what happens in our bodies right before that moment where we just like, lash out or blurt out something because it just comes out because we're pissed off or hurt or angry or whatever it is.
17:45
So then the second thing that I do if I'm able to do this, because this is ongoing work for me, because I don't think for you know, ADHD brains, like we can't just sit with something a couple times and be like, oh, Okay, yeah, now I know what I was thinking, thank God, I just came to me like that, because a, our focus is a bit shite. And B, rumination is a lot more interesting for our brain. So we might even start observing and then like, go into like rumination cycle and then we're not observing anymore. We're just like replaying that story over and over in our heads, you know, and we get distracted. So, sitting with emotions and trying to identify like, what's going on behind them. I think it takes a little bit more time than neurotypical brain. That's what I'm thinking. So that means that that trigger is going up again. Even if we get some way through it, we're we're able to discuss a little bit about it. They'll probably come up again until we understand like what we're thinking about, that's bringing that up, so that we can actually start to actively change that thought, you know, because the idea Like, you don't want to be like, Oh my god, I feel a trigger Oh my god, don't feel this, stop it down, ignore change thought right away, because it doesn't deal with it. And I think for us ADHD or brains, it just comes up like heavier, worse more frequently until we are able to go, okay? Now I'm going to be able to, like, get a sense of what this is, and maybe remember to do something about it differently next time. That's the other thing we got to remember. Like what the thought is, so that we can recognise it and do something differently.
19:40
When this situation because I had been doing a lot of thought work at that time. Again, also keep in mind, too, that, you know, we do things in cycles. So I was in thought work cycle at this time that this happened. I realised that I was really upset with him. My God, like I just told him what I was thinking or what I needed, and he shut me down. He just basically invalidated my whole opinion. And I feel like I'm not being heard. I feel like my needs aren't being met. And as I started thinking more about as I you know what I'm thinking about, I'm thinking about my mom and my sisters, my big sisters, my mom. And I would try to say something and they would just cut me off and be like, you're wrong. And that was it.
And that's how I felt. That's how I felt about speaking up asking something that I needed and explaining why that was important to me.
20:35
Now, I could have taken my husband's response to mean the things that I felt and made it mean for my mom's and my sisters right up. But instead, I had to think about you know, does that mean that I don't deserve like what I need? Am I upset that like I'm making this mean that like, I'm not allowed to express myself. And when I was able to actually get even to the point of that, then I was able to, which is number three, share about what I had made this story mean to me, and how I was reacting to it, how I was thinking about it, because that impacts how I'm going to react. So when my hubby came back inside having his coffee, I said, 'Hey', this is very hard for me. I have to be very, very, very, very comfortable with someone to do this. So basically, my husband is the only one that gets this. I think maybe one or two friends maybe. But that's it. I had to say, 'Hey, you know, I was really triggered by the response I got from telling. You know, this issue I'm having with all of the tea choices. being asked, and how I was feeling decision fatigue. And I made it mean that what I needed wasn't important to you, and how I felt, and my opinion wasn't important to you. And I felt really frustrated and angry about that. And I realised that growing up my mom and you know, my sisters would just cut me off whenever I had the need for them, and they would tell me that I didn't need that wasn't, you know, necessary or whatever. I felt that right now'. And my hubby is good about that because he listened to me and he was like, 'Whoa, like, No, he's like, I don't want you to feel bad. Like, I'm not hearing what you need. He's like, you know, I just woke up and I was like, all over the place. You know, I just did not I could not even comprehend it. what you were saying to me cuz I hadn't even had a coffee yet' And I'm like 'shit? Yeah, of course he has had coffee yet.'
23:06
And all of a sudden, that whole situation shifted for me and shifted for him too, because he was like, You know what, now I know what you understand why this is important to you. And then I understood his own reaction. And then we were able to come up with like, kind of a compromise of like, how I could get my teeth without being asked 12 times a day, which one I chose, because my brain just cannot handle it. But I think it was a really good lesson for me to actually think about like, 'oh, my goodness, I've made something mean something about myself that I didn't like, it didn't feel good for me.' And in doing that, I reacted, I could react in a way that you know, it's harmful for our relationship, or if I just was able to go 'Actually, I'm triggered about this and that's, this is why.' I can get my hubby's thoughts on it, then we're both able to actually say, well, well, this is what really happened. And I'm able to put a different meaning on that and respond differently next time.
24:15
And it's not easy. Well hasn't been easy for me. Maybe it's easy for some of you guys. And sometimes I do really good at it. And sometimes I forget, I know my hubby doesn't like to talk about anything for as a coffee. And generally I'm pretty good at it. That day, I forgot. But one thing that I do know since that day, I've rarely ever had to do something but answer yes or no for tea since that, because we've had that just small conversation.
24:47
They are things that I have to do with a lot of practice, though, I think, and sometimes too their things that especially if it's important to my husband, there are things that I actually have to put in places or on my phone or whatever, so that I can actually kind of remember it or put up so I can actually remember it. I'm not going to always be good at pausing or remembering the details, but I have found that once I've noticed right away, what a trigger out like, then automatically, then almost automatically my next go to was to turn away and breathe. Because I know, right off is a trigger. And even being able to do that turn around and breathe or whatever. That's a moment for me to pause.
25:43
So out of all of that, when I'm trying to think about what something means and manage it, number one, identify that feeling that is a trigger right away and I try to breathe through It just so I can see if there's anything that comes up. Which, number two is that sometimes I can think about what thoughts are coming up. And sometimes it takes a little bit longer than that. But thinking about those thoughts, definitely number two. And number three, if I can, is sharing what I have made that event mean, in my head, so that the person that I feel triggered with especially someone I'm close to, then they have a chance to respond to it in a truth for them, so that I can decide how I want to make that event mean for me.
26:47
Now, something that you can take away with you today is to really try to take those moments and try to figure out even if you can't feel how a trigger feels like for you. See if you can pinpoint and write down some of those moments where you get defensive about something. When does that come up for you? Or when you are avoiding something you feeling uncomfortable about something that someone else has said, or something that you've had to do? That's brought up that feeling of discomfort that you're avoiding. I'm not talking about the avoiding of like, 'Oh my god, I don't want to do that boring work'. No, I'm talking about in an event, something that's happened. And if that comes up where you get that discomfort or you get that defensiveness and you write down what's happened, you might find a pattern. Or if you get that feeling, and you know that you get an automatic Oh, I can't actually respond right away. Then maybe try to breathe and think where is that feeling comes up in my body? Can i describe that? What's it like?
28:04
Because I think that when we get an idea of what a trigger feels like, then we can start learning about, you know, what kind of pauses we could maybe put in place that would work best for us. So that we can start thinking about, 'okay, what am I making this mean about myself? And how can I explain it to the people that I actually care about, in a way so that I'm not just jumping down their throat because it just feels like crap?' That's what I'm trying to work through anyways.
28:37
All right. I hope you guys have a great day. And I'll talk to you all again next time. Bye.