Podcast: The Need for Approval
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Hey there, you're listening to the ADHD Good Life podcast. Each week, we explore stories, ideas, or topics around neurodiversity from an intersectional lens, and the personal growth strategies we've found most helpful in transforming our lives. I'm your host, Sondra and a wife, mother, writer, coach and educational specialist. I'm also a Black cisgender woman, transracial adoptee and fellow neurodiversity after my own ADHD diagnosis. And just like you, I'm learning, unlearning and healing so I can step into my uniqueness and create a life that truly allows me to flourish. Thanks for coming along on this journey with me. You ready? Alright, let's get started.
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Hey everybody, welcome to Episode 10. Even my podcast editor messaged me yesterday, and he was like, most people don't get past eight episodes, so you're doing really good.
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That's another reason why criticism becomes so, so freakin hard for us. Because if the people that we're trying to get the approval of really understand all that we're hiding all that we're trying to pretend to be all that we're masking in order to do what we think they want, and maybe they wouldn't be treating some of us does so badly. Maybe that's why criticism just feels even worse that way. Because we really are trying so much to the point that we're betraying ourselves in a lot of ways.
1:37
So, it's really great to still be here and to have gotten so much feedback and support on the podcast and if you haven't left a review, and five stars, please do so and don't forget to share it around so other people can hear it too. And If you're really interested in doing more to support the podcast, feel free to find me at the ADHD Good Life on my Patreon, because then you can help me pay for my podcast editor. Anyways, thanks. So watch everyone. I'm just really glad to be here and onto the episode.
2:22
And this one's about needing the approval of others. I think this is so, so important for us because, honestly, we know we get criticised a lot growing up, so much so that we start not being able to trust ourselves, and we start looking at other people to kind of guide us. Their approval helps us decide how we can think about ourselves. But it's kind of funny because we work so hard to do everything the way that everyone else tells us to do things. Even whenever we do something really well, a lot of times we're kind of like, 'Oh, no, not really, no, no, I didn't really do that. That good.' And then, of course, the opposite. Whenever we do mess up, it just hits like so much harder, not only because of how heightened emotions can be ADHD, but also just because of how hard we're working to try and how much we've taken the criticisms to mean more about us than the task or the job that we've had to do.
3:35
So criticism can be scary and we're growing up to learn that we definitely don't want to be hurt by others. I feel like we can criticise this this this way of telling us that we don't fit the expectation. Or that ideal that is set for us. We're not quite meeting, and what we've done isn't what everyone else would have done in the same situation. Another thing that is like, 'Oh, it's not quite done enough you're not good enough.' And this makes it really hard for us. It's hard to separate those jobs and tasks and what we do from our self worth. All of a sudden it becomes like intertwined like one in the same. So when we get criticism, it feels even bigger for us. Because I think it's that reminder of like, oh well maybe you don't fit in. I don't belong and as humans, like that's just really what our kind of goal is, is to find those places where we can belong and feel like everyone else. Be like everyone else and it's so much harder because we're masking and we're trying to do what everyone else says that we can do to make it work. And yet, our ADHD kind of distorts all of it anyways because of the focus, attention, and, you know, memory that we missed off anyways, we didn't even realise it. And it does seem to look that we're not trying. But then on the other side, we're actually hard trying, because we're desperate for that approval to show that we're okay, and we're not doing we're doing things right. Oh, it's so tricky.
5:24
And for me, I felt like that a lot growing up as the only Black girl in my little town. But I think for black folks in general, like that's how we grew up. That's how school for example, is really like it is so much overcorrection. And on top of that, it's harsher corrections and punishments. When compared to white students that have the same type of offences. It's things like more Black students being suspended or expelled for reasons like disrespect, (which I'm putting in air quotes here), it's so subjective. And that's all about how the other person in generallly white feels about what that Black student has set.
6:21
And I find this really, really upsetting because, particularly, you know, for Black children, they're not really allowed to be children. They're not treated as being as young as they are. They're always older. In a lot of schools in the States is this divide between like, lower income schools that have no law enforcement, rather than school counsellors. So, that sends a message for you know, if you make a mistake, or if you don't do what you're told, whether if you're in a school that has, you know more money, and these are prominently white schools, well, you can talk to the counsellor to see what's going on and still be treated like you're young. Whereas in lower income schools, you're making mistakes, you're getting arrested. This shows like a huge disparity between what it's like to be white child or was a Black child. And I think that that doesn't go away. When children get suspended or expelled as often as they do. They don't end up staying in school, a lot of them. And I think that kind of treatment shows how they are valued in society. And it is really, really wrong to have that kind of criticism and that kind of view about yourself from such a young age. You know, I think so much has to change in school systems. I'm not going to get into the school to prison pipeline here. I do a whole episode on that. Pretty sure. But I just feel like, you know, as a Black woman, the criticism has been so, so heavy on me my whole life, that you aren't even able to really trust yourself because you have to look outside so often to make sure that you're stepping in the right places. Make sure that you're saying things correctly, so that you can try to get to do what you need to do to stay safe. And it's not about belonging at all. It is just I don't even know if it's a fitting in. It's just trying to exist in spaces like that. And it says a lot about, you know, how you grew up, I think feel about yourself. And it's, and it's hard.
9:15
You know, I think this is one of the things about the ADHD industry and just in society, for example, is this groups and how you fit in and how it's very, very binary. Even a lot of the issues that have around getting approval from others stems from being able to fit gender roles. Genders that are constructed by society, tenders that are only two. And if you don't fall within those two gender roles, then what are you supposed to do? How can you find the representation or not to see yourself as some someone that successful that is able to live, how they want to live, where they're able to identify as they are and express themselves as they are.
10:12
When I first got diagnosed with ADHD, I found it really difficult. I struggled to find representation at the ADHD narrative from a black woman's perspective. I think that you can't share so much about ADHD simply from just one or two different perspectives because there are so many overlapping oppressions and experiences that colour our presentations and how we see ourselves and how others see us, and the different things that we have to do or put up with in order to get the approval of others. How that impacts how we see ourselves, and all of the things that we have to hide or deny in order to be okay or be safe in the world today, and it is just absolutely wrong, I think. I just can't imagine what that would be like, for anyone that doesn't fit within that gender binary, non binary or gender diverse in any way. No, how are we able to show that representation in the ADHD community? I don't know, it really, really upsets me.
11:45
Because I think that all of those oppressions and all of those incidents, experiences that we have and the impact of presentations and then we have other co occurring conditions too, that come up because of these experiences that we have. A lot of us with undiagnosed ADHD and we do end up trying to compensate for all we have to do in order to try to fit into a society that's not accepting us as we are. So there is just so much more, I think underlying the need for our approval, and so much we're trying to do in order to get it that others don't see, and I think that's another reason why criticism becomes so so freakin hard for us. Because if the people that we're trying to get the approval of really understand all that we're hiding all that we're trying to pretend to be all that we're masking in order to do what we think they want and maybe they wouldn't be treated some of us so badly. Maybe that's why criticism just feels even worse that way, because we really are trying so much to the point that we're betraying ourselves and a lot of ways.
13:16
So, what I know now, or what I kind of think now is that well, this like approval addiction, like it's intense, but it's like, distorted too. We learn to seek the approval of others, but we're disapproving of our own. And I think that leads us to grow up with more of a tendency to hate ourselves, than to show ourselves compassion. Because we're also not even modelled how we can still make mistakes, and still have to learn to be better, or do things differently, and know that we're still human at the same time. And to be able to forgive ourselves. It basically comes down to like, get this approval, so that you're enough or you don't and you're not. And that's just how I see it.
14:14
But it's so distorted at the same time because even when we do get this approval or talked about earlier, a lot of the times we try to, you know, downplay it or make peace as far as or just be like, that's fine. Because we can't actually believe that if we've done something good that it's been asked that's actually done that and we deserve that. It almost feels like we're so used to hearing all of the negative that when something positive calms it doesn't even feel real. Maybe it's because we've just spent so much time masking that doesn't even feel like it's really genuinely us that has done it. But this mask or persona that we put up. I'm not quite sure about that. But sometimes that feels like that to me.
15:07
It's also like our brains, you know, they really pick up on that negativity, that worry of not being enough that feeling of messing up things. And I've heard that it takes about three or four, maybe even five, maybe positive things being heard to start negating the one negative thing that kind of gets stuck in our heads on repeat, and I believe it because we spent so much time hearing the opposite. And our brains do just tend to connect to the negativity. It's like it's more stimulating, all right. So it's really hard to try to break that cycle. Yet, we try to do things to fix ourselves. putting that in air quotes, so much. So we know that there is nobody that does things perfectly, but we definitely try.
16:13
But then when we get to that point where someone says we've done that really well, we can't even really take that in because we're looking to everyone else on the outside for our approval, then we're looking at them to our success as well. So even when we've done that thing, that's kind of good. We're kind of like, oh, but that other person has done this and this and that way better than me. We can even celebrate the successes that we have had anyways. And I find that that's something that's really really hard for me to kind of break through, that idea that not only was I looking to other people for approval that I was on the right track and doing things okay doing things as well, but that their approval, decided how successful I could be. And what I saw outside of myself was what I viewed as successful. I wasn't making make those decisions for myself. And I just think that when we're letting other people and what they do decide what is successful for us, we're never really going to feel like their approval really means much anyways, because there's always something else that we could or should be doing.
17:41
I also learned that when we get stuck in looking for approval from others, it really hurts in how we take risks and do things for ourselves because there is a real fear of criticism for us, and it is big and he is valid. Criticism and those feelings, they're really difficult feelings and when we take risks, they're also difficult feelings that are involved in that as well. Taking risks doesn't come without self doubt. And self doubt can definitely be telling you all of the reasons why it's not gonna work and all of the reasons why you're not good enough. But self doubt is just part of the course of taking risks, to do something new, to do something different. We can't rise to higher levels of ourselves, if we're still thinking in thoughts that keep us hidden and keep holding us back.
18:51
But also courage, the courage to do things differently to try something different. You know, it sounds awesome. 'Yeah. I'm pretty courageous!' But feeling courage feels like shit. Like, it's full of like, fears. And it is heavy. It is scary, courage is. So when I'm comparing like, Oh, do I want to take a risk? Hmm, let me think, okay, now I take this risk now I've got to deal with the fact that there's gonna be criticism because not everybody's gonna like it. And then I got to deal with the fact that there's self doubt which is going to like pile on to the criticism and then I'm going to be criticising myself and listening to everyone criticise me when I do something wrong. And then I got to have the courage to do that, which is scary is as hell, versus I don't take the risk. And I might have to deal with some criticism, which hurts a lot. But I know it and my brain knows it. And that's not the same as you know, taking the risk and having to deal with all of the other feelings on top of that. So why don't we just say, you know, I'll just stay with not taking risks and trying to do what everyone else wants me to do and take the criticism when it comes. And I'll just keep going. It's a lot easier. And really, it's what everyone else does. So, we should do that, too.
20:19
But I think this idea to getting approval from others, is that it keeps us from setting boundaries. You know, we keep thinking that we do what everyone else wants us to do. We got to say as to things that everyone else wants us to do. We don't check in with ourselves anymore, because we've already started to not trust ourselves. So no, we look to everyone else to try to figure out what we need. Because we've learned that we can't rely on ourselves anyways. And I think that this has been one of the hardest things for me to actually go Oh, wait a minute. I can say no, or I can set that boundary and what I know and what I think and what I believe matters. I think that we get to that point when we can look at ourselves and go, but that's because I actually matter. I think it's a really hard place sometimes to find yourself at, especially whenever you've spent your whole life hiding, who you are denying who you are different areas, being told that you're not good enough at this or that being criticised all the time. It just becomes inevitable that we connect all of that to who we are. Then we decide, well, maybe we're not worth being able to think about what we need. And that's been a really hard one for me to work through for sure.
21:56
So, what I've been learning about this whole entire thing about getting out of this looking for approval from others and how I can just start to let that need go, is I've been trying to find ways to gain my own self approval. In finding out what genuinely matters to me, so then I can do more of it and I can, you know, set those boundaries to make sure that I'm staying in alignment with those things that really matter to me. Yeah, I could say something like, 'Oh, yeah, well, it matters to me that everyone else likes me.' And I thought about that, and I was like, Well, you know, when you do this task, or you do that job, is it really about everyone else liking you? Or is it just more about the fact that you are finding ways for you to like you, or you are finding ways for you to be able to say that, you know, I really liked the job that I did here because I was able to problem solve and find a solution that worked really well for it. And you are looking for that approval to say that you can be happy with that. I just think that whenever we're looking for others, maybe it's just something in ourselves that we need to start finding ways to realise that we can feel proud of ourselves that we can feel kindness towards ourselves that we can feel love towards ourselves. I know that's hard because a lot of us have grown up, being kind of trained in the opposite, that we can only feel those things if we're able to do the tasks that other people have set for us. I'm just gonna call bullshit on that. Even though I'm calling bullshit on it for yous, it's still bloody hard.
24:10
When I started this kind of journey, first thing that I did, was decided what was important to me. And this has taken me a while it definitely has been something that's changing for me. I've looked at, what success looks like for me what it feels like for me? And what would help me feel like I had done something well? How can I treat myself nicely when I'm making mistakes? Because I know I'm going to make mistakes. And so I have these ideas of values and core beliefs and trying to find moments in my life where I can live them and make more decisions through them. With reminders on my phone or on my wall, so I can keep those things in mind.
25:05
But I think it's a really big ask to just go, 'Okay, this is what's important to me. And now I'm just going to do it. And I'm going to put these boundaries up. And then there we go. And now I'm going to live it really well.' Because I just can't bridge that gap. You know, I can't just jump into that kind of, 'I'm going to live like that now when I haven't for the last 41 years.' So actually, when I figured that stuff out, and I had kind of a list in my head, I went to number two on this less, which was just doing one small thing that I wouldn't normally do for myself. But it was a nice thing to do for myself and to track me doing that so I could start collecting evidence around the idea that I deserved to do nice things for me and I can treat myself well and I could make those decisions for myself what I needed to do to feel good. And this has been really, really, really, really difficult was was very, very small. Like I talked about this earlier podcast episodes where like, I just meditated for one minute. Another thing you know, I would drink one glass of water in the morning or for some people was like just being able to make their bed every morning. But it was just one small thing. And it was spiral into other things for myself. I think that just does so much for you don't even realise that after a while. You don't even realise that that you've added something else and you've added something else. And all this does is just start to open up that thought of, 'Hmm, maybe if I could do this one thing for myself. Maybe I could do something else for myself too.' And, you know, 'I've done this one thing and it's okay, nothing's falling apart. And nobody's said, I can't do this or I can. This is just something for me.' And I found that over time, it's been a good practice for me.
27:23
The third thing that's been really, really difficult was trying not to compare myself to others. Especially being a social media space, where it's quite easy for me to look at other accounts, particularly, you know, accounts of white folks that I follow and be like, 'Oh my gosh, like, how could they do so much so quickly, and I know that there's this imbalance, you know, because they're white and I'm Black, I have to work harder and I'm not going to have that wide of appeal and it's been so hard to be like, 'No, I can't look to that as what the approval for me should be.' But if I'm going to compare myself to anyone it's going to be to who I was three years ago, it's gonna be who I was five years ago. It's gonna be who I was a year ago, when I started my account in the first place, and how far I've come. The good thing about my account, it's been a great tracking for me. So I've been able to look back. 'Oh, I wrote that? I believed that RSD was a thing then? Oh, God. I've learned so much since then.' Not that different person, but I know that I've grown. And that is been basically the biggest thing that I've been able to do. Like I still compare myself to others. I'm not perfect. But at least I have enough around me, I guess to go back and to make myself go 'Oh, wait a minute. Maybe I need to Go look at an old post, oh, wait a minute, maybe I need to break that cycle up comparing myself to others who I need to talk somebody, tell me smarten up and go look back at something that I did a year ago.' And I think that's been really, really helpful to stay in my own lane.
29:20
Number four, this one is another one that's been really hard for me but I'm starting to like it a bit more. And that one is giving others permission not to like me. I have grown up trying to get everybody to like me, if everybody like me, then I'm going to be enough. I'm going to be okay. If everybody can be my friend. But you know, when I give permission for others, not to like me, but I'm also giving myself permission not to like other people either, because I have spent a lot of time in my life trying to convince other people people that they should like me, and I don't even like them. And that's my own insecurities and my own conditioning of 'well, I need to be, you know, like this for everyone. So then I can fit in with everyone.' And it's just like, 'No, I don't write for everyone. And I am not for everyone.' I'm just not, but then not everyone is for me either. And that also helps me be a lot more discerning about who I let get close to me and who I don't because you know what, when I'm trying to figure out what it is I need to be and live at my best and be as unhidden as hard as I can. And I want people to be around me that are going to accept that. But when I'm trying to get everyone around me not everybody is going to understand or even sympathise or empathise with the things that I want to show or be in the world. So the people that I want near me are going to be people that care about me, you know, regardless of the ups and downs of goods and bads, or whatever that I have. And I've found that, that helps a lot more.
31:18
And final thing that I've done just again, it's just started to try to set small boundaries for myself. Just things that I myself am trying to follow. So it might be, you know, when I put my phone away for the evening, or it might be I need to be in bed at this certain time. Or it might be when I feel like this, you know, disorganised or whatever. I know that I need to take a break from what I'm doing. Because I've never really thought of those things for myself. But all of these little small boundaries for myself are just little ways, of again, showing myself that I am worth it. And I am doing things to help bring my self approval that show my self approval is more important than how anyone else feels or approves of me.
32:15
Okay, so I have something that you can do now. Actually, it's just more of a little story I got from Brooke Castillo's podcast, Life Coach School podcast, and I thought it was really cool, like keep this one with me. Whenever I get into a spiral of what other people think. See if I walked into a room, and I'm thinking, 'Okay, best first impressions, best first impressions, best first impressions. And there are 10 people in this room I walk in. They're going to have 10 different opinions of me. Yes, I am that constant, but I'm not controlling what they all think. I'm not controlling all of the connections that they make, because they see me or because they start to talk to me. I could have one person that, you know, I introduce myself, 'Oh, I'm Sandra.' In their head, they go, 'I met a Sondra, once Oh, she wasn't very nice.' And already that's coloured how they view me. And I was introduced myself and I have someone else who's like, 'Oh, Sandra, I have a sister named Sandra.' And that changes how open they are to want to talk to me from those different connections that they have to just my name with. I don't even know that. And there's other things you know, I could be wearing a shirt that I'm just don't like, or it could be just anything that I've said that I didn't even realise but 10 different people have ten different opinions on me and I have no control over how they think about me. No matter how hard I try.
34:11
I think there's something to that from when we were kids, we kind of feel like that if we change our behaviour, if we do this, that, then we can influence how the adult around us, thinks about us or thinks about the situation and whatnot. We think we have that kind of power, but we don't. And I do keep that with me and remembering that I could say everything or do everything that I think is perfectly, when I walk into a room and meet 10 new people and all 10 of them are going to think something a little bit different about me that I have no control over. So when I think about the fact that trying to get people's approval, you know ADHDers, who is used to having so much criticism that even when I get it, I don't really believe it. And then when I don't, I feel absolutely devastated. But then on top of all of that, knowing I don't even have control over it in the first place. It reminds me that the only control that I do have is learning about my own mind, and learning about what matters to me, so that I can start earning my own self approval.
35:33
All right, you guys. I really hope you have a great week. And I'll see you next week. Bye.
35:41
Hey, thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, please feel free to leave a five star review and comment. It helps people find the podcast, especially if you're listening on Apple podcasts. Don't forget to check out the show notes. Any resources mentioned on today's podcast. You can find my own free resources links there. And links to get in touch with me on instagram and facebook at the ADHD Good Life. I'm so grateful you could join me today. Have a great week, and I'll see you next time. Bye!
Transcribed by https://otter.ai