recovering copy cat: an introduction

but who am i if i’m not who i thought i should be??

I’m someone who figured out?! (not really), decided?! (not sure it was a conscious choice), just copied what other people valued and/or did so I might be accepted too.

I spent my whole life dissociating from discomfort in my body, denying any awkwardness I felt and what I might have preferred (if I could even get myself to admit I had a preference at all) because I must have thought that being as similar to others as possible was the right thing to do. After all, it was made clear to me that everyone else believed they knew what was best for me and knew me best too. Who was I to question that? (At least not out loud anyway).

So that meant copy like hell and hope for the best.

Now, intro posts have always been a bit tricky for me because they’ve always felt forced. I get stuck trying to figure out the right things people might want to know about me, while hoping I can write it witty enough, with just the right amounts of fascinating, funny and fabulous thrown into the mix that I’ve seen in other intro posts. Trust me, y’all read any of my dear friend, Tiffy’s (@Fidgets.and.Fries) introductions and you’ll see what I mean! (And remember to pre-order/buy her book, cuz it’s gonna be brilliant).

But alas, I’m still trying to piece together who I am after my first neurodivergent diagnosis at 40 years old shook my whole foundation to its core. That’s when it became clear that no one really knew who I was and I was left questioning everything I thought I knew about myself too.

[ID: Sandra is a Black femme with black and brown locs. They’re wearing a dark blue tank top (surprisingly, read further along for details) and sunglasses (not surprisingly. Again, read below) End ID]

Now here I am, still picking up pieces years later, still working to figure out what matters to me and trying not to be so hard on myself as I do. It’s not always clear. Many discoveries are still being questioned and while everything is liable to change at any given moment, what I think I know for sure (or for now!) is:

1. I don’t have a favourite group or type of music. I just hear a song and I either tolerate it, love it or I don’t. I’ll listen to said song that I love for a long, long, long time. Often on repeat. Then one day, maybe I won’t. That’s the end of the song.

2. I’m actually realising I’m an incredibly picky eater. The more I decode my introspection, the more things I eat and it’s like, “damn… I don’t think I actually like how this tastes!!” (How in the hell was this possible to ignore?!)

3. I’m mostly pescatarian now (closer to the side of vegetarian) and that just happened about four months ago . One day I suddenly discovered my body was like, “meh…” about meat. My brain still misses meat terribly at times though, but my body really doesn’t feel good with it.

4. I used to wear lots of colours when I was younger, but now it’s mostly shades of black, white, grey, the occasional jean. I have Olivia Pope to thank for this. I do have a very limited few coloured pieces that are favourites I just can’t part with until they are thoroughly unwearable.

5. Colour quickly becomes too bright and too overwhelming for me. Choosing how to match outfits, decorate my home etc, in multiple colours is also an additional drain on my already (apparently) limited decision making capacity.

6. Wool (and anything that feels even remotely similar) truly is the devil’s cloth. It does not belong on this body.

7. I’m somewhat sensitive. When I was first diagnosed, I used to say I didn’t have any sensory issues. I only had ADHD - not possible! Friends, I can lose my shit from the noises that arise from the traffic outside my house… I’d wear sunglasses inside if I could at times. I have safe clothes and safe foods. Simple smells can make me gag. I won’t get into vestibular and proprioception. Misophonia has me telling my own child he’s gotta eat somewhere else…

   

   [ID: Sandra, the same Black femme described in the photo above, wears a tank top that is brownish-orange (their fav, so it stays). They walk along side their kid, who’s blurred in the background wearing a bright tie-dyed shirt. I’ll keep my sunglasses on. End ID]

8. I like simplicity. I need simplicity. Not just in my environment, but in what I wear, what I engage in and how you explain things to me. Simplicity will always be the goal. It’s about sufficiency for me.

9. I love details and complexity in the patterns I discover in people’s actions and behaviours. In fact, I love finding and learning about the patterns and themes of people’s lives. It’s about seeing their humanity and watching them rediscover more of it too.

10. I learn best in the context of stories and it’s how I connect knowledge and ideas. It’s why narrative therapy makes so much sense to me. It’s why intersectionality was the tool I didn’t know I needed to help me better understand myself and others in this society too.

11. I’m a person who seems to have answers for everyone else, but never themselves.

12. My best friend is my favourite person to talk to cuz we have many similar special interest and she’s wise as hell.

13. My partner is one of the smartest, kindest and generous people I know. He’s also my “giver of directions to new places, so I don’t get lost and cry” person too.

14. My kid is one of the funniest and most interesting people I know. Somehow, at only 8 years old, they know more than me.

15. All my special interests have centered around the ways people improve and (supposedly) better themselves. I now recognise that this meant developing beliefs that aligned with what whiteness valued and white supremacy culture. Now I’m learning to decolonise and find what it means to align with myself.

That’s all I’ve uncovered for now, but I hope it gives you a closer glimpse into who I am too. Thank you for being here.

PS. A Fun fact!! Fifteen is my birthday number (the jury is still out on if it’s still my favourite though), but how brilliant is it that my list has 15 points too! (I’m not including this one by the way, because it’s a PS and doesn’t count. This is how I’m convincing myself it’s ok as not part of the list!)

Tell me something you’re rediscovering about yourself. I’d love to hear some of your story.