somatically speaking

on building self-trust and changing the world

Hey friends,

Almost every felt sense of discomfort I have leads to an underlying belief that somehow, for some wildly irrational reason, I can never be safe enough.

“I didn’t get the answer right, so everyone will hate me. Then I’ll be rejected, alone and unsafe.”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen next, therefore I’ll never be safe.”

“I can’t figure out how to solve this problem, therefore my life will fall apart and I’ll be unsafe.”

I think everyone is different when it comes to the underlying fear that (when they’re not aware or coming back to presence), goes into the driver’s seat to guide their decisions. But one thing that’s the same of all of us…

It’s not happening right now.

In this present moment, I’m quite safely curled up in my bed after an overstimulating morning out with my family, resting while writing these words. There’s no danger of me losing it all because I’m thinking about if people found out about that one thing from last week that I’m incredibly ashamed of.

But my body doesn’t know that.

It doesn’t know time. It just senses something as happening now, or not now. It doesn’t know that what I’m feeling doesn’t mean we’re in the situation right now. It just feels the same thing and it wants it to stop - now! If not, then that means I’m unsafe and my life must *really* be in danger.

I’m not.

cozy with chloe

I’m lying cozy in bed, writing this Substack essay to you, remember? But I’m thinking about last week and the stories I’ve told myself about what that means about me. Only my body doesn’t know the difference. It speaks in sensations, not time frames.

Somatic means relating to the body, especially as distinct from the mind. Our body holds the information for what we actually need when we’re sensing discomfort. Our brain helps decipher the sensations (the language of our body), into actions of nurturing and care to give ourselves. If we can’t learn to pause and sit with those uncomfortable sensations, we’ll never quite understand what is being said. That makes it more difficult to give ourselves what we need.

If we can’t consistently give ourselves what we need, we’ll struggle reconnecting to ourselves. We’ll keep believing we can’t trust ourselves and that we don’t know what we need. If we can’t trust in our inner knowing, then we’ll continue to believe that safety can never be found within us, only from others and the world around us.

But this is a tricky journey for those of us on the neurodivergence train of life - especially if we’re the type to struggle with introspection (our body’s way of communicating with our brain about our internal state and what we need). So, asking an autistic, for example, “what do you sense in your body?” could initially be met with, “I don’t know.” Or “All I ever feel is anxiety/pain…” If that’s you, you’re not alone. Somatic work could feel like an overwhelming, anxiety-inducing task you’re failing at before you’ve even begun.

It’s ok.

Perfection is a tool of white supremacy culture, remember? We make mistakes and take baby step here. We change things up as we learn more. We’re always evolving and growing. We’re about progress so,

Start slow.

Start where you’re comfortable (and NOT in any distress!!)

Start with a shit load of compassion.

Just start.

Building self trust in the body is a practice. Here are a few pointers to get you started. (And remember, take what works, tweak or leave out what doesn’t. Make them your own, I won’t feel bad about it.)

1. If you haven’t already, start with practicing pausing. Pause at random times throughout the day. Start with pausing and then counting your breath for five seconds. After that, go on about your day cuz, Yay! You did it!

2. When you’re feeling up for it: pause and then notice if you’re seeing, smelling, touching something or if you’re thinking, instead. Just note it simply as: “thinking” or “feeling”. NO JUDGEMENT.

3. Pause, then do a quick body scan. Keep it simple. Start from the top of your head and notice, does my head feel comfortable or uncomfortable? Keep. It. Simple. Numb is a sensation. It could even be comfortable if that’s where you’re at. All you’re noticing is if it’s comfortable or not. I always ask people, would you want to feel that in your whole body? Would you want to hang out in that sensation? If not, it’s uncomfortable. Move on to the next body part. NO. JUDGEMENT. Ever.

4. When you’re on a roll with the pausing and checking in with yourself then it could go something like this: pause, body scan or notice what you’re doing, then ask yourself: What do I need right now? With compassion. A quick way to narrow it down is one I learned from program, HALT: Hungry (grab something to eat), Angry (shout into a pillow then, beat it up), Lonely (call or text someone), Tired (take a nap or have a break).

   Other ones I like to add: Thirsty (grab some water), Toilet (go to the bathroom!) Say something soothing (tell yourself something you need to hear, “You’re safe. You’re loved. You matter.”) Again: NO. JUDGMENT. AT. ALL.

Notice how I don’t ask you to name the sensation? For many of us, that just brings up more fear or anxiety and less trusting that we might notice something. You don’t have to find the exact name for what you’re sensing. It’s ok. Sometimes, there just aren’t enough words or the right words to describe it, anyway. It’s just about helping your mind and body start to get to know each other and trust each other again. We do that when we start to listen to our body and make efforts to meet its need whenever we can.

Every little effort to do that, helps.

The dominant culture wants us to see ourselves and our bodies as resources, never stopping and always needing to be productive. It doesn’t want us to be in relationship with our bodies. So, if we’re too busy trying to find our worth in doing, we have no time for being.

We’ve learned that what we’re sensing is wrong and that our bodies are unsafe for needing to be nurtured! That’s why pausing is so difficult and scary to do. That’s why being is so hard to do. But it’s in being that we learn about who we are, what we need and how to show up for ourselves, each other and the world around us.

We do more to make the kinds of changes we want to see in the world when we learn how to be in the sensations of who we are.

You know yourself best. It’s ok to trust in that.

With love and gratitude,

SC xo

Let me know, what's your introspection like and what have you done to work with it? Have you done any kind of somatic therapy? How did it help you?

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