the freedom found within
on letting go and finding enough
Dear friends,
Recently, I've had to admit to myself that I'm never satisfied with my life. I always want more. But I’ve rarely said, “I want more of this thing or another”. Instead, it shows up as never believing I have enough. I’m never pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough, young enough, smart enough, wealthy enough, talented enough... The list goes on and on.
There is nothing easeful or joyous living this way. Rather, it’s a never-ending quest for something to fill a void that just keeps getting wider and wider. No proving myself or changing myself into someone I’m not, satisfies it. What's worse is how addictive these thoughts can become for me. They can lead me to compulsive behaviour like avoidance, perfectionism, rumination or disordered eating behaviours. I can spend hours in my head on searching for the just right solution to enough thinness, creative projects, career, relationships... I'll keep hoping with each attempt towards fixing that sense of lack, the holy grail of enough will finally be mine.
I suppose I've grown up believing that as soon as I meet the enoughness criteria, I'll be successful, appreciated, and belong. I'll finally be free... For me, it's always been about being free. But it's also been an elusive state to hold, especially when I think my freedom to be is something I’ve learned I need to earn.
This culture shifts expectations, demanding conformity and perfection over uniqueness and authenticity. Until I get these expectations met (and I truly believe I want to meet them, less I become rejected from the group), the more I keep striving until I do. Unironically, the more I think I want, the less happier I become.
But until I break the cycle of thinking those expectations are all I’m worth, I’ll keep making myself small, trying to be someone I’m not, stay extremely self critical and/or not take chances to life authentically. I’ll never be free. I’ll never see how much I lose by believing I need more.
It's hard to see what you have when you always want more.
What I’m learning is that freedom is actually simpler than that. It happens in the present moment when I dare to accept life on life’s terms, not hoping for it to be different. It's only in that moment we truly can see that we have enough. That is where contentment lies if we're willing to let it in.
Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” In a world that tells us that we need more to be happy, who would have thought that true happiness could come from letting go, not necessarily meaning wanting less, but learning to want the life you've got.
Where in your life do you believe you need to be or do more? What are you learning to let go of lately?
With love and gratitude,
SC xo
Let’s work together
As I continue to expand into my life and develop new skills to share my creative visions, I am keeping a very small, deeply private circle open for 1-to-1 neurodiversity affirming space holding and practical routine design.
If you are sensory sensitive, a creative or anyone navigating the complex landscape of neurodivergence, and you want a trauma-responsive, culturally competent, and deeply understanding space to map out your world that is more financially accessible, just direct message me. Let's have a conversation and see if our energies align.
If you aren't looking for 1-to-1 support right now, but want to support my work and find guidance on your own healing journey, you can also dive into my embodiment colouring journal Keystone. It's filled with real truths and support that has held me on my own healing journey. I hope it can be a gentle companion for you too.