Every time I have to recognize how hard I oppressed my own creativity, how I was taught to... I have to grieve the beauty that did not happen, and reckon with the cruelty that I inflicted on myself, fearfully holding the knife to my own throat. Then it explodes and I have to grieve the infinite iterations of the same pattern echoing through all of us...
Whoa, so much of what you've written really resonates with me. "...you know there’s always more unearthing of truth to come and with that comes a whole lot of new feelings. But how can such small dribs and drabs of traumas that reveal these narratives, bringing us closer to our whole truth, create such huge waves of (agonisingly uncomfortable) growth, alongside such minuscule fragments of comfort? I wish we talked more about how shitty healing can feel and how, at times, we’re left wondering if it’s worth it in the end." <<<<<<< THIS. I didn't know or understand that the "unearthing of truth" would just keep coming and the pain of getting closer to who I am and the sadness of realizing how much of my SELF I had to put aside for so long just to survive. Healing (trying to) is no joke. xo
Wow. This is so relatable. I have to reread this one.
Aww thank you sm! I was gonna comment on your latest essay on autism. It’s just gorgeous. I felt the same as your comment here when I read it.
Every time I have to recognize how hard I oppressed my own creativity, how I was taught to... I have to grieve the beauty that did not happen, and reckon with the cruelty that I inflicted on myself, fearfully holding the knife to my own throat. Then it explodes and I have to grieve the infinite iterations of the same pattern echoing through all of us...
Whoa, so much of what you've written really resonates with me. "...you know there’s always more unearthing of truth to come and with that comes a whole lot of new feelings. But how can such small dribs and drabs of traumas that reveal these narratives, bringing us closer to our whole truth, create such huge waves of (agonisingly uncomfortable) growth, alongside such minuscule fragments of comfort? I wish we talked more about how shitty healing can feel and how, at times, we’re left wondering if it’s worth it in the end." <<<<<<< THIS. I didn't know or understand that the "unearthing of truth" would just keep coming and the pain of getting closer to who I am and the sadness of realizing how much of my SELF I had to put aside for so long just to survive. Healing (trying to) is no joke. xo