Neurodivergent Narratives

Share this post
living avoidantly
ndnarratives.substack.com

living avoidantly

so natural it’s not really a thing, right?

Sandra Coral
Dec 11, 2022
14
7
Share this post
living avoidantly
ndnarratives.substack.com

It never really feels like avoidance to me.

It often feels like:

  • finding the next best thing to do (there’s always something to be done)

  • bring so busy with things to do (that are so close to what I need to do they almost seem useful)

  • helping others (while continually telling myself that I’ll be fine)

But it’s never avoiding - even when I consciously know I’m doing it. Hell, I don’t even call it procrastinating anymore, because I can continue living as if the thing I’m avoiding doesn’t even exist (all while I do nothing else even related to it, as if my growing anxiety isn’t real either).

I wonder if for me, there’s been a hefty element of denial added to the mix.

Denial that I need to attend to a task.

Denial that the thing I want to do matters enough to do it

Denial that I might need help

Denial that my needs matter enough to express them

Denial that there is avoidance.

Avoidance is a very challenging thing for me. It permeates my whole life, but I’m so good at it, you’d rarely see it. You’d never know it.

The avoidance comes with so many logical reasons as to why something doesn’t need to be done, confronted or dealt with, it’s almost soothing. It doesn’t need much convincing or reason. It happens even before I have a chance to be with what’s under it. I’ve internalised it as if it’s a part of who I am. Avoiding feels so natural to me, it’s almost like breathing.

Avoidance just is.

Lavender background with femme presenting person drawn in white. Text reads: my therapist says avoidance is not the answer. Time to stop going to therapy.
[ID: A femme presenting person drawn in black & white is on an old style telephone. The background is lavender & text reads: “my therapist says avoidance is not the answer.” Time to stop going to therapy. I may have done this before… End ID]

Because the more I avoid, the more normal it feels. It comes up so fast that the anxiety that drives it doesn’t even feel visible. Doesn’t even seem real. Sometimes it happens so fast, I can even deny that anxiety is even there. The avoidance and all that it declares is the sensible thing to do, takes over - as if there’s no other option. And when the anxiety seemingly disappears from the avoidance, it’s almost as if it was the right thing to do.

Then, it’s easier to engage in again.

Even as I’m doing nothing I actually want or need to do.

Even as I watch the things I’ve worked for fall apart.

Even as nothing in my life changes.

Avoidance will have me believing I’m doing the next best thing for myself. Denial will have me believing anything noticed about the avoidance as not being true.

Most of the time, I struggle to see myself or what’s possible for me beyond either of them.

Leave a comment

What are your experiences with avoidance? How are you finding more self-awareness amidst the need to avoid?

7
Share this post
living avoidantly
ndnarratives.substack.com
7 Comments
doseofnightshade
Dec 11, 2022Liked by Sandra Coral

Goodness does this resonate in my soul. One of my biggest struggles regarding this topic is discerning whether I'm avoiding because I know my limits or because of a sense of complacency & comfortability; of course, this is also accompanied by wondering if there's room to expand my limits & what that might resemble.

Expand full comment
ReplyCollapse
1 reply by Sandra Coral
Ctdcb
Jan 22Liked by Sandra Coral

I recently referred to my adhd management as my Avoidance addiction recovery. Great post.

Expand full comment
ReplyCollapse
1 reply by Sandra Coral
5 more comments…
TopNewCommunity

No posts

Ready for more?

© 2023 Sandra Coral
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start WritingGet the app
Substack is the home for great writing