that one word...
that one word...
that's not quite true, but sometimes we think it is
NOTE: Here’s one from a while ago but updated 4.0, because when you know the why behind something happening, you can explain everything a whole lot better.
Every neurodivergent person has that one word.
We can't understand how we fit its definition because what others see when they use it to describe us isn't what we're actually feeling at that moment.
But every time we hear it, it feels true. That maybe it is us!?
[ID: A giant panda bear is lying in a tree. White capital letter graphics read: “I may not look busy but at the cellular level, I’m really quite active.” This reminds me that there’s a whole lot more to our stories that others could never see. End ID]
A neurodivergent trigger word: LAZY
It's not that...
I'm not trying my best to carefully do what's expected of me, or trying to take shortcuts on the quality of my work,
It's just that...
a lifetime of being shamed and blamed for mistakes has left my body fearful of making any, so I'm stuck in a freeze response. A LOT.
It's not that...
I don't care about what you've asked me to do, (or that I'm purposely not getting started or not getting things done),
It's just that...
my body believes it's safer for me to do nothing because it knows it can handle being stuck. It just doesn't know what I might have to face if I get it wrong (or right...).
It's not that...
I want to take so long to get things done. Or finish things at the last minute, late or sometimes, not at all,
It's just that...
I can get easily overwhelmed when I believe a task will take me too difficult or too long to complete compared to everyone else, so I often freeze when I think of how to best start.
It's not that...
I'm not “motivated” to do the best that I can for you (or myself!) especially when I think that it's important for me to do so,
It's just that...
something in this situation has scared my body to the point of believing that doing nothing is safer than trying. There’s too much uncertainty about what might be expected of me in future if I do.
We don’t talk enough about how much a single word can dominate the way we learn to see ourselves and can keep us stuck in believing things we know aren’t true of who we are or what we experience. Our worth was never determined by how well we could disprove these words that others used to try to describe or belittle our experiences.
But often, we get stuck in believing it is.
Tell me in the comments: What’s the word you’re trying to stop believing defines you or taking to reclaim for yourself? What’s helped/helping you see yourself with a lot more grace and compassion while you do?
I might come back to this tomorrow with more thoughts on words or reflections on self-compassion. But right now I just want to thank you for this reminder because I needed this right now. I just failed a deadline for two uni projects, for the second time in a row and spend the past few hours trying to minimize the damage. Or more like my family made me try to minimize the damage because all I wanted to do was admit defeat and call it a day. Yes, there were tech issues but also, I did not finish my project in time and I should've known computer programs and printers tend to break last minute and I failed to plan ahead for that so it really was my fault, wasn't it? I really felt it was safer to keep quiet than to admit to a professor I couldn't do it on my own and ask for more time, again. It's 11 pm now and I'm extremely exhausted so my thoughts are incoherent, but your text really helped but things into perspective again and I'll try not telling myself I'm used to be told or tell myself in these moments. Instead I'll try to give myself more grace in this difficult moment and come back to this tomorrow with hopefully more coherent thoughts.