the limitations in my expectations

happy birthday… to me

Today is my birthday.

I’m older than I look.

Happy birthday to me! [ID: Sandra, a Black femme, wears a black tank top with sunglasses on and their headphone around their neck. They have short curly dark locs now and they remind her of being so much younger than she currently is. End ID]

Do people actually like their birthdays or not?

For me, it’s a mixed bag.

I genuinely want to like my birthday, but I think deep down I still hold so many problem stories around it. Then every year something comes up and I end up feeling pretty awful for most of it. The problem stories continue, as if I manifest them into being.

I’m learning that holding expectations about something or someone eventually lead to feelings of resentment when they aren’t met (and to be honest, many times our expectations aren’t met). My expectations about what I believe my birthday should feel like or be like actually keep me from experiencing what *is* happening now. My expectations around what I think my birthday should be like seem to leave out a key piece of the puzzle - what’s actually going on around me that day.

Like, here I am in the UK, basically alone. I have one in real life friend, but it’s a Tuesday, so everyone is at work anyway. And I’m exhausted. I’m easily overwhelmed because I’m so damn exhausted. I couldn’t do much even if I tried anyway. I can’t really eat anything that messes with my blood sugar right now, so no cake for me. I’ve been prioritising writing for ages, so I’m pretty broke too.

What kind of birthday was I expecting to have with all this stuff going on???

One that was very different to what it was. One that took no notice to what was actually happening in my life right now. If I had accepted what was, I might have made different choices to have a great time keeping in mind what was happening in my life, right now. I could have created a birthday based on what was real in my life. Not what I expect (or even hope for in my case too!) birthdays to be.

There’s so much I don’t see when my perspective is clouded by my limited expectations. Possibilities are limitless when I stay present and accept what is.

PS. My birthday felt alright in the end this year. Rest is what I needed most and I finally got the message. Maybe that was just the gift I needed after all.

Tell me about your thoughts about your birthday? What have you learned about expectations vs your ability to accept what is in your life? What expectations are you learning to let go of?