the ocd diaries: in search of certainty

autistic rituals, ocd & feeling just right

My best friend and I both have OCD.

We’re also both autistic.

She has many repetitive behaviour that could be interpreted more as rituals. I don’t have as many repetitive behaviours in the traditional diagnostic sense. This is an important point in this story because plenty of autistics engage in rituals and have repetitive behaviours. They make us feel comfy and safe because of the certainty they give us. I think they’re necessary for our peace of mind.

[ID: Character from a show I totally can’t remember (which is bothering me right now!!) looks slightly skeptical with graphics that read: “Not sure if I have OCD or just like things done right’ which was very much a thought I grew up with and never connected the anxiety and fear behind my actions to mean anything else. End ID]

But does it hit a turning point and we’re suddenly engaging in OCD?

My best friend loves to organise and tidy her things. Just ask her about her clothing wardrobes and watch her face light up! I’ve seen her organise her things and she’s literally in heaven when she does this. It brings her so much joy. I’m not joking. She loves to show off and discuss how she organised something that day.  It helps keep her anxiety at bay. In fact, she’d tell you she doesn’t feel much anxiety at all.

But there’s always a turning point.

If you mess with her space and time, if you don’t put things back the exact way she likes them, it becomes way too much for her to deal with. Then organising turns to nitpicking and then organising becomes a way of survival and gaining control of her life. It’s as if she’s searching for a sense of security and certainty within the sudden influx of chaos. These behaviours become very visible too. They can spread to other things that she feels need to be controlled or changed so they’re just right too. Things desperately need to be just right and symmetrical so her rituals spiral into OCD.

I like things to be just right too, only it hits a bit differently. I love organisation and keep my things quite tidy, but I can only dream of hitting her levels of organisation! Her organisation brings me joy though because I am extremely particular about how I think things should be (which is very much internalised). I like to go with my own flow and do what feels right for me.

When I have control over my environment, have my things exactly where I want them to be, and the people within my space doing exactly what I know and expect them to, I feel an immense sense of satisfaction and ease. When I have autonomy to be, but know exactly what I’m supposed to do within them, it helps keep my anxiety at bay. In fact, I’d tell you I don’t feel much anxiety at all.

But there’s always a turning point.

When anything become unpredictable, uncertain or disorganised, I start to spiral. When demands because of these changes become too high for me to face, I start to become obsessive (and compulsive!) about the need to make things just right again. Most of the time it’s an internal somatic thing. I’m within my inner landscape, hyper focused on the exceedingly high expectations I have of myself, fears of making mistakes, being humiliated and being othered. That’s when I find myself somatically drawn to checking and rechecking what I do (or anything/anyone I’m connected with), to ensure I won’t put a step out of place and make things around me right again.

It’s mostly an internal battle for me, trying to fix myself and those around me (without making them do more if they don’t want to but desperately wanting them) and terrified that every step I’m going to make will be the wrong one. I know it’s really bad when the compulsions spiral into nonstop organising my space, making things more symmetrical or fixing what I perceive as mistakes of other people around me in order to make things just right. What I did for my own sense of security spirals in OCD.

You see, the brain depends on what’s familiar to find safety and help us regulate our nervous systems. It will prioritise regulating and what we need to feel safe over anything else. So what if our autistic rituals or ways we prefer to live in our environments are just a part of that?

I’m not sure if our rituals are just anxiety driven or what we use to regulate us to a calmer state. But maybe our day to day levels of anxiety are so familiar, that our brains recognise them as our norm. They become something our nervous systems are just used to.

This level of anxiety is just what feels safest.

I wonder if for many of us autistics, when outside stressors start becoming too much in our lives it tips the scales and some of our rituals can spiral into OCD. They become a way for us to try to survive by finding certainty in an unpredictable world. Our frantic attempts to get ourselves back to center. But when we’re properly supported and introduced to tools and strategies that could help us sustain our precarious equilibrium, we can manage to stay out of OCD spirals a lot more often.

Maybe for us, the line between ritual and obsession is a very thin one and we’re forever destined to find ways to effectively negotiate its balance.

Note: I’m not talking about all the kinds of OCD. And not all Autistics. Not all OCDers are autistic. Other neurotypes co-occur with OCD so you might feel some similarities or differences. I’m not one to write in the extremes of anything. Take what resonates and leave the rest, as always. I’d love to hear your thoughts or experiences about this.