“I’ve tried similar practices before, but they didn’t always go as beautifully as she described. Why? Because I couldn’t become present enough to pause, let alone begin to notice things around me! Everything felt too much! Too much sensation in a body means no capacity for it and a lack of capacity means the body doesn’t feel safe.
Yes, even joy can feel unsafe in the body.”
Well thank you for the immediate recourse to wanting to cry with relief at the validation and permission and “both and” of this - 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I feel like this piece & your intro to the poetic as fuck “to pause & ponder” newsletter is such a spot on reflection of how you help the people you work with (LUCKY MEEEEE SERIOUSLY AHHHH!!!!!) -
Aka -
“What happens when even the most nuanced & helpful stuff doesn’t work for us” -
The answer always being some version of hating and self blaming & feeling broken wrong gross & urgh shudder .
Thank you for writing for existing - I love you xxxxxx
My smile at this - !!!!!! - oh sandra. I’m wriggling around and actually unslumped my sit (lol) for the joy of how funny it is you say that & I love that you say that because “worth it” doesn’t even begin to cover it - hehehehehehee ahhhhhhh for the GIGGLES ALONE let alone the way in which you sit with me and guide me through my spiralling everything -
Including the practice of noticing how much I wanna keep writing, but that’s a compulsion -
And so here, I send LOVE AND GLEEFUL JOY FOR ✨✨✨✨✨US ✨✨✨✨✨✨ and stop!!! Xxxxxxxx
For me, your post is a reminder that I must make my connection *to myself* a priority, because it’s the foundation of my ability to function in the world. I have a very entrenched habit of paying little attention to what I’m feeling in my body, and instead I just try to push through and do the things I feel I should be doing. As you said, it often doesn’t work, as we are not in a place mentally and/or emotionally to make changes (big or small) in our lives. And chastising ourselves does little to rectify this.
The second thing your post brought up is our tendency to feel that things *outside of us* have to be fixed before we can pursue our own personal goals. When you take some time to examine that way of thinking, you realize how much of your own power you’re giving away to outside forces. This again reiterates the importance of a solid connection to ourselves.
Finally, probably many of us who have sensitive nervous systems are having a hard time with what’s happening in our government right now. Please tread lightly and compassionately when you suggest we take small steps in the right direction and “accept(ed) our present moment . . . rather than staying frozen in fear, guilt and shame.” I’m sure you must realize we are all experiencing collective trauma , and the freeze response is part of that. “Feeling sorry for ourselves” is not wrong but is part of what we need to do to feel our feelings about all of the chaos and hurt that is occurring; this shouldn’t be bypassed, but we also shouldn’t choose to camp out there indefinitely either.
I thank you for your post. You have given me a lot to think about.
Thank you for the effort and time of your reflections. I appreciate them a lot.
As a Black person with a sensitive nervous system myself, let me tell you, I know this is not easy work. I’ve had (and still have) plenty of times where I’ve drowned in self-pity, fear, self-loathing, guilt etc and all I’m learning those voices aren’t me, but the way society has conditioned me to feel abt myself. They keep me stuck and believing I can’t/shouldn’t/ am not allowed to do anything for myself.
And when I say do the next best step I always mean acting towards myself with love, care and compassion. These next steps can be acts as small as sitting up and stretching or noticing I haven’t had a glass of water in ages and getting myself some. But feeling sorry for myself because I expect myself to make massive changes but I can’t because I don’t have the capacity for it is none of those things. The inner work I engage in supports me in taking steps forward. It helps me develop a practice of compassionate care towards myself.
In no way is the message here to shame the reactions to the reality, it’s a call to draw attention to how much care we desperately need to direct towards ourselves so that we can navigate the hellscape of the reality we’re in and therefore support others.
Finally, acceptance of where we’re at doesn’t mean that we think everything is OK and we should just move on. Take a look at my first “to pause and ponder” and see how Black women got present, accepted the reality and what we did because of it. It took us a looooooonggggg time to get here and even then, I’d bet most of us would say it’s a practice we’ve got to develop. Definitely not easy work. 💜
Thanks for your illuminating comment. We are definitely on the same page! I definitely resonated with this statement:
“I’ve had (and still have) plenty of times where I’ve drowned in self-pity, fear, self-loathing, guilt etc and all I’m learning those voices aren’t me, but the way society has conditioned me to feel abt myself. They keep me stuck and believing I can’t/shouldn’t/ am not allowed to do anything for myself.” It takes so much time (probably a lifetime?) and effort to unwind these habits of thinking!
I realize I do get triggered by certain statements, like “feeling sorry for ourselves.” That was a reply frequently used by adults when I was growing up. Now I realize the shame it evoked about expressing my feelings. So it’s helpful for you to reiterate this is a process, and that we need to bring a great deal of self-care and compassion to whatever progress (or not) we can make on that front.
Yessss to the extreme relevance and importance of your first “to pause and to ponder” note!!!
AND also, just to say I’m confused because this note as a stand-alone made these points you’ve clarified generously sandra- they were abundantly clear when I read them - and I felt the relief of that you know?!
So yeah I’m… stressed just cos I don’t understand the misunderstanding but I understand everyone responds thru their own lens.
Which is why I feel compelled to share mine.
Eg - I LITERALLY had a breakthrough thanks to you yesterday where your teaching me with such compassion and patience that omg oishi, being stuck and feeling shit about yourself is okay!!! It’s okay!!!*✳️
And I also have on my wall your words “what if shame is a sign we need love?”
Which feels like it really applies here - and I personally couldn’t have found what you’re saying more clear -
Because as you said in this comment, this piece, in your first piece-
People who struggle - and most intimately Black women like you who also have ALL OF THE intersections that make it so that the REASON you are someone who has been able to help me identify HOW to cope when I actively screamed “well I CANT change being frozen” -
I REMEMBER that day you told me, well, Oishi, I wonder if you can wiggle or feel your toes -
And validating and showing me and ASKING me gently and genuinely - whether I could -
And helping me see that that? That’s thawing.
Why does this matter ??
Because like you taught me, “both and” exists in abundance
And thank fuck for that -
Because (oops we return to *✳️what happened yday!!!)
The toe wiggle breakthru of like a year ago or more for sure
Which - like, how many times have I been frozen stuck unable just UNABLE ? -
And your response is ALWAYS that we BOTH AND!!!!!
Like in this post alone -
Whereby you provide the POSSIBILITY OF CHOICES that previously people like us didn’t know were choices
And that’s why when I couldn’t get up off the floor where I was napping
Overwhelmed up to HERE and literally as you know, and encourage, avoidance isn’t my goal and neither is forcing - oh nooo-
And I just didn’t know what to do -
And finding self compassion or anyone’s compassion was impossible -
Until I remembered - “can I … wiggle my toes? Without forcing?”
The answer was allowed to be a “no”
And it happened to be a yes
And somehow I managed to wiggle my way out of that state of absolute freeze -
Which *literally does not happen* without your entire premise with what you communicate being filled with the foundation of treading radically - not just lightly - compassionately wrt those suggestions and the freeze state.
Like it’s precisely cos of the existence of it and the difficulty when we have - sandra you are part of this !!!!- v v sensitive nervous systems !!!- that you write what you write.
And yeah, to me it was clear as day 😭😭😭😭😭
And so viscerally kinda hurts to see the suggestion that it’s one or the other -
Especially cos I felt your words were erased and replaced with those that literally weren’t there-
And what you’ve taught me is that it’s not condemning self pity to give us the choice - the ******compassionate generous hard fucking won thru ur literal lifetime of lived experience and professional experience and those in the present included***** choice -
Which helps us - like you said “take what resonates, leave the rest” & how you of anyone I am aware of - you trust each persons self knowledge and understanding - aka you’ve never bulldozed over or treated with anything less than the most radical empathy I know & anti -shame ethos that continues to 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 - any of my stuff - including and especially stuckness.
Like OMG I’m remembering all the times I projected thigns onto you and feel safe enough to talk to u about them - like “sandra why is auto regulation seen as the junk food version aka inferior to co regulation and self regulation” - and I’ll never fucking forget LOLOOOLOLLOLOL the way you were like “hmmmm oishi interesting - so, I see that me labelling X activity as auto regulation has made you feel like I am judging and labelling with an inferior mark that activity cos it’s auto -
What are your feelings towards the diff types of regulation BBY?
How come auto regulation feels like a judgment ?
(I’m paraphrasing the memory and absolutely not making out that ur a perfect flawless human cos ur human aka we don’t dehumanise here!!!! But remember?!!!? That was so wild cos I had no fuckng clue that my shame that I felt came from my own shit and not cos u were judging me -
And it wasn’t a gaslight either to be clear cos that’s happened before lots with ppl unwilling to be honest with themselves and helping me -
Like I say I feel judged and they deny it and say I’m being insecure
And instead you absolutely trusted I felt judged
And were helping me explore whether it COULD be because you identified that I COULD have the regulation types in a hierarchy myself and was projecting that
And as soon as u said it was like oh fuck yes I do omg tysm and also felt so sheepish loll as ya do when ur learning !! I hope to feel that sheepish feeling we laugh about tohetjer for a LONG time
Coming Sandra xxxx
And sorry I got carried away but my point is, the core thing of u is that u would never - like actively never override or give judgement to what someone finds too much and too hard -
Like it’s the CORE of how you have worked and written -
And it was exactly what came across to me -
And so I guess I am sad and stressed and also a bit confused because I did a quadruple take and it took me a long time to understand because I thought that what was being spoken of was precisely how u DO give so much grace for *those of us who cant* - who are literally your reason for writing cos ur one of them!!!!!
“I’ve tried similar practices before, but they didn’t always go as beautifully as she described. Why? Because I couldn’t become present enough to pause, let alone begin to notice things around me! Everything felt too much! Too much sensation in a body means no capacity for it and a lack of capacity means the body doesn’t feel safe.
Yes, even joy can feel unsafe in the body.”
Well thank you for the immediate recourse to wanting to cry with relief at the validation and permission and “both and” of this - 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I feel like this piece & your intro to the poetic as fuck “to pause & ponder” newsletter is such a spot on reflection of how you help the people you work with (LUCKY MEEEEE SERIOUSLY AHHHH!!!!!) -
Aka -
“What happens when even the most nuanced & helpful stuff doesn’t work for us” -
The answer always being some version of hating and self blaming & feeling broken wrong gross & urgh shudder .
Thank you for writing for existing - I love you xxxxxx
Aww thank you😭😭😭. Proud of you and the work you do. I know it’s not been an easy journey, but I hope it’s been one thats worth taking 💜💜💜
My smile at this - !!!!!! - oh sandra. I’m wriggling around and actually unslumped my sit (lol) for the joy of how funny it is you say that & I love that you say that because “worth it” doesn’t even begin to cover it - hehehehehehee ahhhhhhh for the GIGGLES ALONE let alone the way in which you sit with me and guide me through my spiralling everything -
Including the practice of noticing how much I wanna keep writing, but that’s a compulsion -
And so here, I send LOVE AND GLEEFUL JOY FOR ✨✨✨✨✨US ✨✨✨✨✨✨ and stop!!! Xxxxxxxx
For me, your post is a reminder that I must make my connection *to myself* a priority, because it’s the foundation of my ability to function in the world. I have a very entrenched habit of paying little attention to what I’m feeling in my body, and instead I just try to push through and do the things I feel I should be doing. As you said, it often doesn’t work, as we are not in a place mentally and/or emotionally to make changes (big or small) in our lives. And chastising ourselves does little to rectify this.
The second thing your post brought up is our tendency to feel that things *outside of us* have to be fixed before we can pursue our own personal goals. When you take some time to examine that way of thinking, you realize how much of your own power you’re giving away to outside forces. This again reiterates the importance of a solid connection to ourselves.
Finally, probably many of us who have sensitive nervous systems are having a hard time with what’s happening in our government right now. Please tread lightly and compassionately when you suggest we take small steps in the right direction and “accept(ed) our present moment . . . rather than staying frozen in fear, guilt and shame.” I’m sure you must realize we are all experiencing collective trauma , and the freeze response is part of that. “Feeling sorry for ourselves” is not wrong but is part of what we need to do to feel our feelings about all of the chaos and hurt that is occurring; this shouldn’t be bypassed, but we also shouldn’t choose to camp out there indefinitely either.
I thank you for your post. You have given me a lot to think about.
Thank you for the effort and time of your reflections. I appreciate them a lot.
As a Black person with a sensitive nervous system myself, let me tell you, I know this is not easy work. I’ve had (and still have) plenty of times where I’ve drowned in self-pity, fear, self-loathing, guilt etc and all I’m learning those voices aren’t me, but the way society has conditioned me to feel abt myself. They keep me stuck and believing I can’t/shouldn’t/ am not allowed to do anything for myself.
And when I say do the next best step I always mean acting towards myself with love, care and compassion. These next steps can be acts as small as sitting up and stretching or noticing I haven’t had a glass of water in ages and getting myself some. But feeling sorry for myself because I expect myself to make massive changes but I can’t because I don’t have the capacity for it is none of those things. The inner work I engage in supports me in taking steps forward. It helps me develop a practice of compassionate care towards myself.
In no way is the message here to shame the reactions to the reality, it’s a call to draw attention to how much care we desperately need to direct towards ourselves so that we can navigate the hellscape of the reality we’re in and therefore support others.
Finally, acceptance of where we’re at doesn’t mean that we think everything is OK and we should just move on. Take a look at my first “to pause and ponder” and see how Black women got present, accepted the reality and what we did because of it. It took us a looooooonggggg time to get here and even then, I’d bet most of us would say it’s a practice we’ve got to develop. Definitely not easy work. 💜
Thanks for your illuminating comment. We are definitely on the same page! I definitely resonated with this statement:
“I’ve had (and still have) plenty of times where I’ve drowned in self-pity, fear, self-loathing, guilt etc and all I’m learning those voices aren’t me, but the way society has conditioned me to feel abt myself. They keep me stuck and believing I can’t/shouldn’t/ am not allowed to do anything for myself.” It takes so much time (probably a lifetime?) and effort to unwind these habits of thinking!
I realize I do get triggered by certain statements, like “feeling sorry for ourselves.” That was a reply frequently used by adults when I was growing up. Now I realize the shame it evoked about expressing my feelings. So it’s helpful for you to reiterate this is a process, and that we need to bring a great deal of self-care and compassion to whatever progress (or not) we can make on that front.
Again, thanks for your thoughtful reply!
Yessss to the extreme relevance and importance of your first “to pause and to ponder” note!!!
AND also, just to say I’m confused because this note as a stand-alone made these points you’ve clarified generously sandra- they were abundantly clear when I read them - and I felt the relief of that you know?!
So yeah I’m… stressed just cos I don’t understand the misunderstanding but I understand everyone responds thru their own lens.
Which is why I feel compelled to share mine.
Eg - I LITERALLY had a breakthrough thanks to you yesterday where your teaching me with such compassion and patience that omg oishi, being stuck and feeling shit about yourself is okay!!! It’s okay!!!*✳️
And I also have on my wall your words “what if shame is a sign we need love?”
Which feels like it really applies here - and I personally couldn’t have found what you’re saying more clear -
Because as you said in this comment, this piece, in your first piece-
People who struggle - and most intimately Black women like you who also have ALL OF THE intersections that make it so that the REASON you are someone who has been able to help me identify HOW to cope when I actively screamed “well I CANT change being frozen” -
I REMEMBER that day you told me, well, Oishi, I wonder if you can wiggle or feel your toes -
And validating and showing me and ASKING me gently and genuinely - whether I could -
And helping me see that that? That’s thawing.
Why does this matter ??
Because like you taught me, “both and” exists in abundance
And thank fuck for that -
Because (oops we return to *✳️what happened yday!!!)
The toe wiggle breakthru of like a year ago or more for sure
Which - like, how many times have I been frozen stuck unable just UNABLE ? -
And your response is ALWAYS that we BOTH AND!!!!!
Like in this post alone -
Whereby you provide the POSSIBILITY OF CHOICES that previously people like us didn’t know were choices
And that’s why when I couldn’t get up off the floor where I was napping
Overwhelmed up to HERE and literally as you know, and encourage, avoidance isn’t my goal and neither is forcing - oh nooo-
And I just didn’t know what to do -
And finding self compassion or anyone’s compassion was impossible -
Until I remembered - “can I … wiggle my toes? Without forcing?”
The answer was allowed to be a “no”
And it happened to be a yes
And somehow I managed to wiggle my way out of that state of absolute freeze -
Which *literally does not happen* without your entire premise with what you communicate being filled with the foundation of treading radically - not just lightly - compassionately wrt those suggestions and the freeze state.
Like it’s precisely cos of the existence of it and the difficulty when we have - sandra you are part of this !!!!- v v sensitive nervous systems !!!- that you write what you write.
And yeah, to me it was clear as day 😭😭😭😭😭
And so viscerally kinda hurts to see the suggestion that it’s one or the other -
Especially cos I felt your words were erased and replaced with those that literally weren’t there-
And what you’ve taught me is that it’s not condemning self pity to give us the choice - the ******compassionate generous hard fucking won thru ur literal lifetime of lived experience and professional experience and those in the present included***** choice -
Which helps us - like you said “take what resonates, leave the rest” & how you of anyone I am aware of - you trust each persons self knowledge and understanding - aka you’ve never bulldozed over or treated with anything less than the most radical empathy I know & anti -shame ethos that continues to 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 - any of my stuff - including and especially stuckness.
Like OMG I’m remembering all the times I projected thigns onto you and feel safe enough to talk to u about them - like “sandra why is auto regulation seen as the junk food version aka inferior to co regulation and self regulation” - and I’ll never fucking forget LOLOOOLOLLOLOL the way you were like “hmmmm oishi interesting - so, I see that me labelling X activity as auto regulation has made you feel like I am judging and labelling with an inferior mark that activity cos it’s auto -
What are your feelings towards the diff types of regulation BBY?
How come auto regulation feels like a judgment ?
(I’m paraphrasing the memory and absolutely not making out that ur a perfect flawless human cos ur human aka we don’t dehumanise here!!!! But remember?!!!? That was so wild cos I had no fuckng clue that my shame that I felt came from my own shit and not cos u were judging me -
And it wasn’t a gaslight either to be clear cos that’s happened before lots with ppl unwilling to be honest with themselves and helping me -
Like I say I feel judged and they deny it and say I’m being insecure
And instead you absolutely trusted I felt judged
And were helping me explore whether it COULD be because you identified that I COULD have the regulation types in a hierarchy myself and was projecting that
And as soon as u said it was like oh fuck yes I do omg tysm and also felt so sheepish loll as ya do when ur learning !! I hope to feel that sheepish feeling we laugh about tohetjer for a LONG time
Coming Sandra xxxx
And sorry I got carried away but my point is, the core thing of u is that u would never - like actively never override or give judgement to what someone finds too much and too hard -
Like it’s the CORE of how you have worked and written -
And it was exactly what came across to me -
And so I guess I am sad and stressed and also a bit confused because I did a quadruple take and it took me a long time to understand because I thought that what was being spoken of was precisely how u DO give so much grace for *those of us who cant* - who are literally your reason for writing cos ur one of them!!!!!