when we need a bit of space

pausing when it's the last thing we want to do

I recently had a comment on one of my posts about urgency and how we're told that being able to respond in a crisis was something that was a “neurodivergent strength”.

Working with urgency is something we tend to do well, but I know that I'm not the only one that's wondered what it might be doing to our body, having to react to so many things in a day as if it is so urgent or an emergency. It's made me think about what we might be avoiding by stepping into fire fighting mode and whose fires are we actually putting out.

Anyway, I’m getting to the point now…

Then I started thinking about discomfort. I've been writing a lot about this lately (maybe because I'm always going through it myself) and how we're often told to pause and "feel our feelings." This brings me back to the comment, where they were like, "What does feel your feelings even mean???"

[ID: a white child with long blonde hair stares sideways into the camera, two front teeth show in a slight frown. Graphic reads in capital white letters: "I feel... uncomfortable." and the uncertainty in their face is often what I imagine I look like when I'm trying to figure out what I'm sensing in my body... End ID]

A valid question.

Especially for neurodivergent people who struggle with introspection and are more apt to react because of discomfort, than take a moment to pause and be with what comes up.

Pausing feels very difficult.

Pausing feels very scary.

Pausing is difficult when we've got brains whose job it is to protect sensitive nervous systems.

One of the ways that pausing is difficult is because our bodies get a sense of something uncomfortable when we pause and our brains go into automatic protection mode - zone out, do something - anything, to keep us from feeling this discomfort that came up from something unknown to it. When we stop that automatic response we’re trying to enact the basis of any kind of intentional self-management or emotional regulation strategy. We need to pause so we can stay with some of the discomfort and connect with our rational brain (the frontal lobe!) in order to decide what we need or do in a way that aligns with us.

This is such a difficult process to do when you're in the midst of discomfort though, that's why we gotta practice it. In fact, I don’t think we can do that when we’re in the middle of discomfort, so practice is even more important! I know that when many neurodivergent hear mindfulness or meditation they’re automatically resistant to it. I know we think it's some massive, in-depth process that we have to sit through for ages, but really, practising pausing takes no longer than 10-15 seconds, and we can do this multiple times throughout the day.

Tara Brach has a simple practice of practising pausing (I kinda adapted it a little bit so that you have some neurodivergent style cues to help you out):

1. Take three long breaths

2. Activate your senses, (so what are you seeing, smelling, to remind you that you are present and in the moment)

3. Invite yourself (literally in your head say something like: "Let’s just be here in this moment now." "Let’s just stop.")

4. Stay present (Ideas to stay present might include, counting your breathes, describing a sensation that is in your body, describing something that you’re sensing in the space around you)

5. Scan your body for what feels comfortable or uncomfortable from head to toe

Anything new feels scary, and our bodies will bring up discomfort with things that we know are good for us too. Remembering that it is also a part of the growth process (we never grow from our comfort zones) might remind you to (even when it's difficult), you're still here and you can go through discomfort and can handle it.

There’s a lot going on in our bodies that we don’t understand yet, so give yourself some grace and space to practice pausing when you’re not stressed out. Look with curiosity and without judgement as you test it out, so that someday you might access the use of a pause when you really need it.

Let me know, how are you learning to pause a little more often? What have you learned about your resistance to pausing or your practice with pausing?

If you wanna learn more? Listen to my latest podcast episode on pausing now too.