Neurodivergent people live with dysregulated nervous systems so often that we’ve learned to see hyperfocus as being in flow & I can’t stop thinking about how wild it is that so many people say this trauma response is a specific ND strength. I’d kinda like to be able to stop and still feel good about myself, rather than work with unending anxiety, terrified that not finishing will prove I must genuinely be incapable of getting anything done on time & therefore make me completely worthless, ya know?
[ID: The boss from that movie Office Space is a white guy with glasses, a red polka-dot tie, a blue shirt and red suspenders, standing with his coffee cup, hand on his hip, with white graphics in capital letters that say, “ Can we stop making everything urgent, that’d be great.” Hyperfocus comes with a sense of urgency too. Flow does not. End ID]
You now live in fear of your hyperfocus, because when it comes, you know if you hop on that train it will run away with you, and that's enough to knock your battered nervous system off course for a week.
Then you do it anyway, because you are and have been in burnout... nothing is getting done, and nobody else is going to do it. We've struck this deal to get things done before, it won't kill us?
Oh, wait. It almost did.
Guess what I did today anyway? Guess how I feel now?
The evolution is that at least this time I wasn't surprised by the consequences.
Haven't managed to dream a way out of the conundrum, not so far. Noticing that there is a constant looping "you haven't done enough yet, you haven't really done anything yet..." that has no grounding in any sort of reasonable expectations of what a human animal can achieve in a given period of time. Objectively, I am often far exceeding said reasonable expectations while I berate myself for laziness and inadequacy!
I echo the others in sensing an eerily high degree of resonance between the timing of this writing and the details of my own lives experience through time...
It’s wild how much that were actually doing & yet when in hyperfocus it never feels like it’s enough. We will literally work until burnout & still feel like it’s not enough unless the elusive finish line is met. Recognising the pattern thou is definitely a good start!
I’m genuinely of the belief that when we get into a state like that where we think we can’t stop it’s a clue that we just stop. Then slow down. We’re disconnected and we need to see what it is we really need at that point because that’s not it.
I’m also wondering what are our clues that we’re going to that place of hyperfocus too. What’s happening that leads us to that point? It’ll probably tell us more abt what are common triggers to this response and what we might actually be needing instead.
Although I did do too much yesterday, my partner not only noticed but managed to convince me (amazing!) that it was time to stop. It may still have been too late to be healthy, but it was earlier than I would have stopped without the welcome intervention.
I realized that I don't think I can stop until I reach the end of a list... that I keep adding to!
Today, I went in to my shop to work for 2 hours, and I actually left after 2.5 hours. It was hard. There were still infinitely more things to do. I just recognized that I had done what I set out to, and that there will forever be infinitely more things to do, and that my family was waiting for me and our time together is not infinite.
Considering creating a "done" list, instead of checking off a "to-do" I may write down every damn thing I did (whether or not it is featured on the original "to-do" list). Then I can look it over and know that I did, in fact, do something, maybe even a lot. This might be extra helpful on days where I am forced to abandon the plan (common), and the checklist looks empty late in the day.
I love your idea about looking for a trigger/clue for hyperfocus onset. Your note that I interpreted as:
Feelings are messages, but to be considered and responded to (not reaction), and the feeling of "I can't stop!" might very well be your best clue that it is time to "Stop!"
strikes me as the result of hard earned wisdom and self awareness, and I plan to take it to heart.
I haven't identified the trigger yet, my experience is more like the anxiety builds behind a dam of overwhelm until it is large enough to burst forth in a wild tsunami of shockingly productive overactivity, which I ride until it casts me up spent and in sudden dire need of food, water, sleep, movement, human contact, and a trip to the bathroom.
I think what scares me most is I have virtually no model for me getting myself to do anything outside this pattern (except maybe a sewing project that nobody cares about but me... and nobody else caring is a very important part). If I don't hyperfocus, how will I do anything at all?!?! (I am sure there is an answer and a path, but it's hazy to me.)
Even reading this I got anxiety for you. I know we say lists are great but I know some ppl really get anxious using them for a lot of reasons so I love your realisation of needing to play around with that.
You got exactly what I was trying to say with regards to tracking patterns, stopping and emotions as messages. Stopping when things feel urgent is always a good idea. Not stopping to hang out on your phone but an actual break like, walk in nature or breathe or nap or stretch or be with your pet or chat with a friend etc. See what you need to reconnect to yourself again. Then see what you need so maybe you might look at the what you’re doing differently. It’s experimenting with it all and seeing what works or doesn’t and giving yourself what you really need.
Just fyi rhsr I am meant to be stopping now lol and putting phone down to BREAK but am so so excited to read this comment cos ur first was just chefs kiss and obvs Sandra’s people will be that but it’s also not obvs cos I don’t see this outside of sandraland (omg SANDRALAND PLS CAN THIS EXIST ITS THE SHONDALAND WE NEED FOR WELL OUR HUMANITY IN A WAY THAT EVEN THE BEST SHIT OHT THERE SO FAR HASNT COME CLOSE to) so yes just wanted to say thank u reshki!!!! Xxxxx
SANDRA : omfg. I feel like you having intuited then written them shared this - you’re like...showing me there’s a door / key whatver it is out of this MADNESS I feel like I should be “pleased Vs the alternative of never doing anything cos ALSK eventually u will fix it surely that’s just maths - big news for me that’s bad maths” - like that ... YES ITS EXACTLY WAHT UR SAYINF I NEVER ENever eve never connected all fo these things like I never even thought of the “I’m dead to myself if I don’t “achieve” an elusive “I’ll know it when I get to it” goal - as a problem of hyperfocus which is a problem
Of fucking trauma not flow - I can’t explain - this post is making things fly and click togejter (that I know u have long spotted but that I don’t think I could’ve ever expected this level of OH SHOT WAIT no that’s like - EXACTLY what’s happen INSIDE me during this experience Omg thannk u and also eek!!!
I definitely see connections for you with hyperfocus too. I genuinely don’t think it is ever a benefit. Hyperfocus is driven by fear and anxiety. We need to stop normalising that emotion as a way to get us to do work but a clue that something is actually wrong and our body needs some nurturing instead so we can decide our next step forward with more capacity to be with what is coming up for us.
I know, right?! To be told that it’s a strength makes us feel like we should be ok with it too and not feel like we should want to do anything about it either. Meanwhile we’re in agony…
I am dealing with this right now. Agony. Sigh. It is so healing to hear it named so clearly. I am going to give myself permission to stop.* The way you languaged it is giving me a lot to reflect on. So appreciate you.
(*Adding this after a deep nap. For clarity, I have to write a very important email. When you posted this Sandra I realized I had been “powering through” (read looping) writing it all day. I skipped dinner. I because I “should” “needed” to finish “today” so I would be “ok” once it was sent. Looping for me here means: I know what I want to say, there is a lot of chunks of clear and maybe even well written sentences on the page but I cannot formulate the letter. I keep cutting and editing and pasting and repeating. Doing and undoing. Sure if I just try again this time I will put it all together “right”. The truth is, if I am not careful I could go like this for days. Maybe even end up with something that looks and reads “normal”.
When I said I would give myself permission to “stop”. I meant. Give into the exhaustion. To try and turn the volume down on the rushing river of pain and anxiety. Not complete my task. Knowing I will have to try again. After I recover from this attempt. The irony being, in the letter, I am trying to “come out” as ND to and set boundaries and accommodations for myself with a person who I have to complete a job with. Still. Your post helped me name and frame all this clearly. That is medicine. 🌿🙏🏽💪🏽
I’ve found for writing I need to take space when I get into that state. When I can come back later and more refreshed (or at least with fresh eyes), it makes a lot more sense to me. I think slowing down, the nap and rest helps build our capacity to be with having to say what we need to say and knowing we’ll be ok with however our words are taken
Sandra, thank you. This is truly revolutionary. A new phase of awareness of how this is all operating. I have a sense when reading your posts that I can see the “machine” and its parts working underneath the surface experience. What is wild is it also feels like the fourth wall coming down. In theatre, that’s when the invisible “boundary between the fiction and the audience” falls. Maybe hyper focus could be seen as a part of “the fiction”/quality of performance on the stage. And awareness as leaving the stage to observe the “what is” from the audience, the slow down, the nap. There is a lot of newness and spaciousness in this idea that there could be another way... lots of long exhales over here. Gratitude. P.s. I am new to comment exchange. Is there an etiquette/algorithm issue about not writing people’s names when referring to other comments? Sometimes I would like to name resonance with other commenters but I don’t want to offend/expose anyone. Thank you so much for creating and holding this space. It feels like going to a brain spa.
You can call me Sandra. That feels very humanising to me. I’d like to create a space where ppl feel like they can share resonates too. We’re so divided from each other I’d like to write in ways that connect ppl do I love seeing ppl engage not just with me but each other.
It means a lot to read that abt my writing. The idea of a brain spa is soothing. I want ppl to feel expansive and see other possibilities. I think it reminds us about how eventually our world truly does expand when we finally lean into our humanity more.
I also want to add to the fourth wall comment. It’s very much like this I think. We’ve just been made to believe that things like hyperfocus is our reality, but that comes from being protected by our “ego”too. It’s answering the societal demand to be productive as a way to earn our worth. It’s not who we are at the core. I hope my writing asks us all to rethink and question if what we’ve just automatically assumed was who we are actually is what we’ve had to do to survive.
OH SANDRA BABY GURU FRIEND THERAPIST AND CARING PERSON WHOM I WORK WITH MY #1 TEACHER IN LIFE - “I’d like to create a space where ppl feel like they can share resonates too. We’re so divided from each other I’d like to write in ways that connect ppl do I love seeing ppl engage not just with me but each other”- bby g u have literally done that time and time again & I am literally just talking abt how everyone’s commentary is batshit helpful to point of anonymising names but printing the whole thread since I also commented around the time I finally fucking felt able thANKS TO OUR WORK SANDRA literally make the fucking call they insist on needing and is “accessible” (hint it’s fucking not) & like I just don’t have the words I need to fight espesh because the CPTSD the internalised gaslighting etc the overexplaining and of the “weong@ things cos idk wtf will make them treat me / us as human - ALL OF U ARE BEING LIKE FOUNTAINS OF LANGUAGE I LACK and ty all Espesh the one who is pioneering all of this shit that is truth of truths yet - there’s a reason this space feels so sacred special and just fucking different - in a way that’s sad in mostly all the other spaces - but glad glad giddy here cos we need this. Thank you Sandra so much. I didn’t think before today that in addition to our words mainly urs lol that there was MORE THAT UR WORK WOULD HELP ME WIRH BUT the engagement with these wonderful commenters (and sorry for rushing thru and not being able to individually thank because I REALLY DO I’m just abt to burn out & need to pause shit I will do so now breatheeeee( love you!!!! Xxxxxx honoured xxxxx
I feel sick with how much...all these comments all sparkled by @sandra coral (Sorry how tf do I tag!!!!!) - I’m literally gonna be printing out my own and these comments (Obvs names redacted!!!!!!!) for my PIP application and maybe even my UC medical assessment idk - well I’ve asked my dad to lol. Well no actually I haven’t even yet cos there’s too much good in here fuck fuck OH LOOK TIME TO STOP PAUSE NURTURE MYSELF NOT PUSH THE FHCK THRU. Thank you all. Sandra you & ur people are just saving my soul ?!???? Thank fuck I returned to 5 mths ago notifications & redownloaded substack literallu to read ur new posts but sidetracked in best way. Fuck!!!!
Burnout power up:
You now live in fear of your hyperfocus, because when it comes, you know if you hop on that train it will run away with you, and that's enough to knock your battered nervous system off course for a week.
Then you do it anyway, because you are and have been in burnout... nothing is getting done, and nobody else is going to do it. We've struck this deal to get things done before, it won't kill us?
Oh, wait. It almost did.
Guess what I did today anyway? Guess how I feel now?
The evolution is that at least this time I wasn't surprised by the consequences.
Haven't managed to dream a way out of the conundrum, not so far. Noticing that there is a constant looping "you haven't done enough yet, you haven't really done anything yet..." that has no grounding in any sort of reasonable expectations of what a human animal can achieve in a given period of time. Objectively, I am often far exceeding said reasonable expectations while I berate myself for laziness and inadequacy!
I echo the others in sensing an eerily high degree of resonance between the timing of this writing and the details of my own lives experience through time...
It’s wild how much that were actually doing & yet when in hyperfocus it never feels like it’s enough. We will literally work until burnout & still feel like it’s not enough unless the elusive finish line is met. Recognising the pattern thou is definitely a good start!
I’m genuinely of the belief that when we get into a state like that where we think we can’t stop it’s a clue that we just stop. Then slow down. We’re disconnected and we need to see what it is we really need at that point because that’s not it.
I’m also wondering what are our clues that we’re going to that place of hyperfocus too. What’s happening that leads us to that point? It’ll probably tell us more abt what are common triggers to this response and what we might actually be needing instead.
Reporting back...
Although I did do too much yesterday, my partner not only noticed but managed to convince me (amazing!) that it was time to stop. It may still have been too late to be healthy, but it was earlier than I would have stopped without the welcome intervention.
I realized that I don't think I can stop until I reach the end of a list... that I keep adding to!
Today, I went in to my shop to work for 2 hours, and I actually left after 2.5 hours. It was hard. There were still infinitely more things to do. I just recognized that I had done what I set out to, and that there will forever be infinitely more things to do, and that my family was waiting for me and our time together is not infinite.
Considering creating a "done" list, instead of checking off a "to-do" I may write down every damn thing I did (whether or not it is featured on the original "to-do" list). Then I can look it over and know that I did, in fact, do something, maybe even a lot. This might be extra helpful on days where I am forced to abandon the plan (common), and the checklist looks empty late in the day.
I love your idea about looking for a trigger/clue for hyperfocus onset. Your note that I interpreted as:
Feelings are messages, but to be considered and responded to (not reaction), and the feeling of "I can't stop!" might very well be your best clue that it is time to "Stop!"
strikes me as the result of hard earned wisdom and self awareness, and I plan to take it to heart.
I haven't identified the trigger yet, my experience is more like the anxiety builds behind a dam of overwhelm until it is large enough to burst forth in a wild tsunami of shockingly productive overactivity, which I ride until it casts me up spent and in sudden dire need of food, water, sleep, movement, human contact, and a trip to the bathroom.
I think what scares me most is I have virtually no model for me getting myself to do anything outside this pattern (except maybe a sewing project that nobody cares about but me... and nobody else caring is a very important part). If I don't hyperfocus, how will I do anything at all?!?! (I am sure there is an answer and a path, but it's hazy to me.)
Even reading this I got anxiety for you. I know we say lists are great but I know some ppl really get anxious using them for a lot of reasons so I love your realisation of needing to play around with that.
You got exactly what I was trying to say with regards to tracking patterns, stopping and emotions as messages. Stopping when things feel urgent is always a good idea. Not stopping to hang out on your phone but an actual break like, walk in nature or breathe or nap or stretch or be with your pet or chat with a friend etc. See what you need to reconnect to yourself again. Then see what you need so maybe you might look at the what you’re doing differently. It’s experimenting with it all and seeing what works or doesn’t and giving yourself what you really need.
Just fyi rhsr I am meant to be stopping now lol and putting phone down to BREAK but am so so excited to read this comment cos ur first was just chefs kiss and obvs Sandra’s people will be that but it’s also not obvs cos I don’t see this outside of sandraland (omg SANDRALAND PLS CAN THIS EXIST ITS THE SHONDALAND WE NEED FOR WELL OUR HUMANITY IN A WAY THAT EVEN THE BEST SHIT OHT THERE SO FAR HASNT COME CLOSE to) so yes just wanted to say thank u reshki!!!! Xxxxx
SANDRA : omfg. I feel like you having intuited then written them shared this - you’re like...showing me there’s a door / key whatver it is out of this MADNESS I feel like I should be “pleased Vs the alternative of never doing anything cos ALSK eventually u will fix it surely that’s just maths - big news for me that’s bad maths” - like that ... YES ITS EXACTLY WAHT UR SAYINF I NEVER ENever eve never connected all fo these things like I never even thought of the “I’m dead to myself if I don’t “achieve” an elusive “I’ll know it when I get to it” goal - as a problem of hyperfocus which is a problem
Of fucking trauma not flow - I can’t explain - this post is making things fly and click togejter (that I know u have long spotted but that I don’t think I could’ve ever expected this level of OH SHOT WAIT no that’s like - EXACTLY what’s happen INSIDE me during this experience Omg thannk u and also eek!!!
I definitely see connections for you with hyperfocus too. I genuinely don’t think it is ever a benefit. Hyperfocus is driven by fear and anxiety. We need to stop normalising that emotion as a way to get us to do work but a clue that something is actually wrong and our body needs some nurturing instead so we can decide our next step forward with more capacity to be with what is coming up for us.
Oh my. Are you in my head? This is so real. And so now. That last part. Uffa.
I know, right?! To be told that it’s a strength makes us feel like we should be ok with it too and not feel like we should want to do anything about it either. Meanwhile we’re in agony…
I am dealing with this right now. Agony. Sigh. It is so healing to hear it named so clearly. I am going to give myself permission to stop.* The way you languaged it is giving me a lot to reflect on. So appreciate you.
(*Adding this after a deep nap. For clarity, I have to write a very important email. When you posted this Sandra I realized I had been “powering through” (read looping) writing it all day. I skipped dinner. I because I “should” “needed” to finish “today” so I would be “ok” once it was sent. Looping for me here means: I know what I want to say, there is a lot of chunks of clear and maybe even well written sentences on the page but I cannot formulate the letter. I keep cutting and editing and pasting and repeating. Doing and undoing. Sure if I just try again this time I will put it all together “right”. The truth is, if I am not careful I could go like this for days. Maybe even end up with something that looks and reads “normal”.
When I said I would give myself permission to “stop”. I meant. Give into the exhaustion. To try and turn the volume down on the rushing river of pain and anxiety. Not complete my task. Knowing I will have to try again. After I recover from this attempt. The irony being, in the letter, I am trying to “come out” as ND to and set boundaries and accommodations for myself with a person who I have to complete a job with. Still. Your post helped me name and frame all this clearly. That is medicine. 🌿🙏🏽💪🏽
I’ve found for writing I need to take space when I get into that state. When I can come back later and more refreshed (or at least with fresh eyes), it makes a lot more sense to me. I think slowing down, the nap and rest helps build our capacity to be with having to say what we need to say and knowing we’ll be ok with however our words are taken
Sandra, thank you. This is truly revolutionary. A new phase of awareness of how this is all operating. I have a sense when reading your posts that I can see the “machine” and its parts working underneath the surface experience. What is wild is it also feels like the fourth wall coming down. In theatre, that’s when the invisible “boundary between the fiction and the audience” falls. Maybe hyper focus could be seen as a part of “the fiction”/quality of performance on the stage. And awareness as leaving the stage to observe the “what is” from the audience, the slow down, the nap. There is a lot of newness and spaciousness in this idea that there could be another way... lots of long exhales over here. Gratitude. P.s. I am new to comment exchange. Is there an etiquette/algorithm issue about not writing people’s names when referring to other comments? Sometimes I would like to name resonance with other commenters but I don’t want to offend/expose anyone. Thank you so much for creating and holding this space. It feels like going to a brain spa.
You can call me Sandra. That feels very humanising to me. I’d like to create a space where ppl feel like they can share resonates too. We’re so divided from each other I’d like to write in ways that connect ppl do I love seeing ppl engage not just with me but each other.
It means a lot to read that abt my writing. The idea of a brain spa is soothing. I want ppl to feel expansive and see other possibilities. I think it reminds us about how eventually our world truly does expand when we finally lean into our humanity more.
I also want to add to the fourth wall comment. It’s very much like this I think. We’ve just been made to believe that things like hyperfocus is our reality, but that comes from being protected by our “ego”too. It’s answering the societal demand to be productive as a way to earn our worth. It’s not who we are at the core. I hope my writing asks us all to rethink and question if what we’ve just automatically assumed was who we are actually is what we’ve had to do to survive.
OH SANDRA BABY GURU FRIEND THERAPIST AND CARING PERSON WHOM I WORK WITH MY #1 TEACHER IN LIFE - “I’d like to create a space where ppl feel like they can share resonates too. We’re so divided from each other I’d like to write in ways that connect ppl do I love seeing ppl engage not just with me but each other”- bby g u have literally done that time and time again & I am literally just talking abt how everyone’s commentary is batshit helpful to point of anonymising names but printing the whole thread since I also commented around the time I finally fucking felt able thANKS TO OUR WORK SANDRA literally make the fucking call they insist on needing and is “accessible” (hint it’s fucking not) & like I just don’t have the words I need to fight espesh because the CPTSD the internalised gaslighting etc the overexplaining and of the “weong@ things cos idk wtf will make them treat me / us as human - ALL OF U ARE BEING LIKE FOUNTAINS OF LANGUAGE I LACK and ty all Espesh the one who is pioneering all of this shit that is truth of truths yet - there’s a reason this space feels so sacred special and just fucking different - in a way that’s sad in mostly all the other spaces - but glad glad giddy here cos we need this. Thank you Sandra so much. I didn’t think before today that in addition to our words mainly urs lol that there was MORE THAT UR WORK WOULD HELP ME WIRH BUT the engagement with these wonderful commenters (and sorry for rushing thru and not being able to individually thank because I REALLY DO I’m just abt to burn out & need to pause shit I will do so now breatheeeee( love you!!!! Xxxxxx honoured xxxxx
I feel sick with how much...all these comments all sparkled by @sandra coral (Sorry how tf do I tag!!!!!) - I’m literally gonna be printing out my own and these comments (Obvs names redacted!!!!!!!) for my PIP application and maybe even my UC medical assessment idk - well I’ve asked my dad to lol. Well no actually I haven’t even yet cos there’s too much good in here fuck fuck OH LOOK TIME TO STOP PAUSE NURTURE MYSELF NOT PUSH THE FHCK THRU. Thank you all. Sandra you & ur people are just saving my soul ?!???? Thank fuck I returned to 5 mths ago notifications & redownloaded substack literallu to read ur new posts but sidetracked in best way. Fuck!!!!
Omg yes yes yes to both of u Omg!!